Chatbox thoughts

tw: I talk about sex

I feel like such a burden because I should talk to my boyfriend but I do not want to be a burden. I do not want to be sad but I am

I do not like taking pictures of myself because I do not like how I look. Personally I am at the point in my life in which I look in the mirror and only see the scars.

emotional and physical.

That was written a few days ago...and was mostly hormones talking.

It's still 100% true. I never had to confront my body image issues until I started dating him. I send him photos I hate of myself and he tells me

"That's my whole heart right there"

damn he's sweet.

Today I made the mistake of telling him why I started dating him. Then I refused to tell him that I like that he's possessive. I made it into a bigger deal than it should have been but I don't regret that. I did at the time tho. (the time being 10 minutes ago).

eventually he made a good enough threat that I just outright said it.

He didn't believe me.

"You took to long to say it. Now I don't believe you"

"Doesn't matter if you don't believe me," I laughed, "It's the truth."

he was quiet for a moment. I honestly thought he wasn't going to say anything. Boy was I wrong.

"Why is that so hard to say?"

damn

That's a question that I hadn't thought of yet. God's making me confront another insecurity today.

"It's terrifying." I spat out.

"It's terrifying that I'm possessive?" he asked. His face didn't change, I honestly couldn't read it. I still don't know what he thinks of that. That kinda scares me I don't want that to make a home in his mind. Especially since that's not true.

The truth is that I still live like I am surviving every day. I am insecure and have used this brash personality as a guard for years. I know that if we got into a fight I would loose. I am not strong. Hell, every comment they throw at me hurts. But I will never let them know that.

But I told him.

I told him It was terrifying that he could use the fact that I am not that strong against me.

"I would never use anything against you."

I believe him. I told him my biggest secret I have very rarely trusted someone this much.

I told him that I was scared that word would get out. My reputation, actually my security was on the line. I told someone one of my biggest secrets. I actually have told someone one of my biggest secrets.

"In order to be possessive something has to be possessed and that's vulnerability," I said.

In more words I didn't say. I want to be possessed. I want somebody to hold me and make me feel safe. I am exhausted of being on my guard all the time.

I suppose that's why I'm into bdsm. I need someone to hold me down and make me feel loved. because it's easier to be forced to do something you want than it is to ask for it. I desperately need someone to force me to be held. I need for someone to fight me, to fight for me.

I told him I would be blessed beyond measure if he were my husband. (I think he might have cried but he didn't tell me that)

He honestly is almost perfect. He is so stubborn, and affectionate and the combination of the two is honestly great.

I know I'm gonna have to ask to play it rough. I have been strongly hinting at it. But God's gonna make me ask, I just know it. When I do Connor's gonna ask me why and I will have to spit out the words and I don't know if I can.

I am scared to be that kind of vulnerable with you because everybody else in my life has hurt me constantly and won't stop even if I ask. That's why I have such a problem with sex. I am terrified that you are going to be exactly like everyone else but this time the scars will run deeper.

I don't think I can ask for you to do every fantasy that my mind comes up with because I am terrified of your reaction. I don't want you to laugh at me or think I am disgusting.  or even just be disappointed in my reactions to sexual things.

I am just terrified that you are gonna be like everyone else so forgive me that it takes me longer to tell you the smaller stuff.