Chatbox thoughts

Untitled Part 84

This was written sometime in early July. (yes early July)

20...well that's something.

I've been alive for two decades.

I've been stagnant for so long trapped in my own life. 2024 alone has shown me exactly what I am missing and what I want for the next two decades to come.

I want to leave. I want to see the world. I have spent 20 years in Pasadena Texas. My world has been so small that leaving it seemed terrifying and I never saw anything I wanted to do.

That has changed.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't hate where I am in my life right now.

I like the people in it, but I'm done staying here. I'm gonna get out if it's the last thing I do.

Texas will always be my home. It will always be my heritage, my culture and my people.

I know I've had to wrestle with remarks people have made about Texas, seemingly attacking me and my home. But I think I just never got to grieve the home of memory that I lost. I will only catch it in glimpse's now. I have a habit of hanging onto the past. I have a habit of not moving on.

While there is a part of me that culturally wants to never leave where I'm at I cannot remain in the same place that I am. The bubble that I was raised in popped years ago and I've been fighting myself trying to stay in it or leave it.

But now I think I've managed to say goodbye to home so I can make my home wherever I hang my hat and rest my boots.

I have to work to change my mindset.

I'll admit it is a struggle to not view my changed world with the same broken lens that I have grown attached to.

It's been hard to forgive the people in my life who have hurt me. It has been hard to view them as changed people. Many of them have changed.

I said recently that strangers were nicer to me than my actual friends. The woman I was with replied then they aren't your friends. She's right. But I got to thinking about that. And I realized that I took out people in my life who I didn't want there.

The people in my life who were commenting and who were judgmental aren't anymore. Or I've healed enough from them that what they say doesn't bother me.

The staring still bothers me when I can't figure out what people are thinking but I'll live.

I've learned the world isn't as painful as I thought it was.

I've spent a lot of my life scared of judgment and pain. I want to make more of an effort to step out.

The devil has been trying to kill me the past few years. The point of depression is to get you so down and out that you take yourself out of the miserable world you're sitting in.

I've never been able to convince myself life isn't worth living. I am too smart for that. I know that all of this is situational. I get depressed when I get stuck in monotony. I am usually left alone, talking to the walls. I know that where I am at now is not forever. Things can and will change you've just got to hold on.

Your life will not look like this in a few years. Don't treat it like it is.

I think things will change. Things have already changed so much.

So, for this year and the years coming. I want to go explore the world I live in. I want to go places, do things and make memories.

I'm done existing. I think I'm going to try living.

I'm going to try pushing forward and advocating for myself and the things that I want to do.