Chatbox thoughts

this was supposed to be posted earlier

I told my mom about the Irishman.

It went well.

She was definitely disappointed, but that was to be expected. She didn't yell at me at all.

In fact, when she asked, "well what did we learn??" I could confidently reply with my real answer: "absolutely nothing."

Much to her immediate disappointment.

She did, however, say something along the lines of "Of course you liked it. All of the attention was on you. And..." Keep in mind this was with a completely sincere, almost factual tone.

I don't know why that comment is stuck in my head.

I know that I like attention, but I don't need it to survive. Was she assuming that that's all I was there for? Does she really think I'm that superficial?

Did she assume that I didn't reciprocate any of the affection?

I'm already questioning what I felt (emotionally) that night. I barely remember why I went out with him. I thought he was interesting. That's why I went out with him. It is hard enough trying to figure out whether I actually like someone for the right reasons without wondering if I am just self-absorbed.

I feel really self-absorbed. I'm talking about the same issue over and over while trying not to feel like an obsessive freak because I can't get him out of my head. I would have written more entries if I didn't feel ridiculous or ashamed of feeling like this.

But that was the point of this writing. No matter the shame or embarrassment, you get to write in a place where nobody reads it. (no commentary from the peanut gallery)

What if I meet him again? That would be terrible. I have run through every scenario I could possibly think of. All outcomes that will never happen.

Except for the, I won't see him again vs. the I will see him again argument. There are only two ways that could go, so one of them is going to happen.

I can't go out with him again because he will just be in my brain again. I can't go out with him again because he just wanted sex. He is probably dating someone. He will probably be gone the next day, and I will be left alone again, wishing that one night turned into more. 

Hell, I don't even know if I did this correctly. Is there a correct way to love someone? if there a way that doesn't sound so selfish? Was I selfish?  I wasn't interested in him until he was interested in me. Is that wrong? 

I did like him. I didn't mean to push him away. I'm just awkward and don't know how to communicate.

Did I even push him away? Or did he walk away?

He walked away. I remember that now. That's not my fault.

But going back to my point. 

Going through all this introspection, it's ironic that I am wondering if I'm self-absorbed.