Chatbox thoughts

still, dance comp.

So I got the judges' notes back...I was 3.5 points away from double platinum. (essentially the same thing as getting an A)

The comments they gave me told me they didn't hate the dance. But it wasn't worth their notice.

now I just have the paper in my room reminding me of how much I am worth to this world.

My mother was told by her mother that she was used to being a big fish in a little pond and now she was going to be a little fish in a big pond. I knew walking into this competition that I was not going to win. I hadn't before. Until I was in a duet. Then we got 10th overall. Our team's group dance got 6th overall.  But my solos got nothing.

And as the special awards went up and I watched everyone else who competed in my studio go up to get their rewards, because they did place, I wondered why I was even there. I wondered why for the last three years did I sit through every single awards ceremony where time and time again I got left on the sidelines. Everybody else in my studio who had competed in a solo has gotten placed once.

But I knew That the odds were stacked against me. I'm in hip-hop, I haven't been doing this long, I practice less than the others.

I practice less...I know that's the reason why I keep losing and yet nothing changes. If I know that's the problem why don't I fix it? I am barely forcing myself to type this out on the page because there's no sympathy for me. I could have what I want but I don't reach for it. I'm pathetic.

If you have everything within reach why do you grab it? I don't even know.

And I can't tell anyone this to get answers because there are none. and all people can do is see me as exactly as I am, pathetic. I have no idea why anyone even cares about me because I know exactly what I am and I HATE IT.

I don't ask people what I should do anymore because everything they say is something I don't want to do or have no drive for. I have no excuse for myself.

they say repeat a lie often enough it becomes true. Well, the world has told me I'm worthless, I'm just a side character, and I have nothing of value to anyone. and tonight I believe it.

tomorrow I might not.

And those three slips of paper from the judges are just a reminder of exactly what the world thinks and cares of me.

So at the end of the day, I don't know why I compete. I can barely remember the reason I even dance anymore. Because it stopped being for me a long time ago.