Chatbox thoughts

I'm not falling

You can't fall in love in just one night.

That's the stuff that happens in movies. I am not in love; I am in pain.

For once in my life, I didn't have to put effort into being wanted by a guy. I didn't have to put energy into being understood.

Part of my head is trying to convince me I am in love. But I'm not. The alternative to not being in love is unpreferable.

That means that I fell in love and somehow managed to let that slip through my fingers. That I lost my one shot at everything I've wanted. He was pretty much everything on my list and more.

I live in this era of wanting to forget this ever happened and wanting to remember every detail.

I have been so broken down by other people that the first guy who treats me well. Who knew that being wanted was so addicting.

I am currently in the process of trying to convince myself that despite it not feeling like it, it was probably for the best. He was probably a Fboy, probably still hung up on his ex, and probably doesn't believe what I do. I have some evidence for these claims, too. I do not like to be in the habit of lying to myself. But I still feel hurt over what could have been.

I was listening to Hope by NF. One line stuck out to me: "30 years of pushing everyone away."

I know I'm pushing my mom away. I don't know if I need to tell her about all of this or not. Quite frankly, I don't want to tell her because I don't want the lecture. I don't want to hear about how unsafe my choices were because the only thing I regret is not hanging out with him further.

I went to the Women of Joy conference, and the entire theme is sacred rest...I am in a season of waiting right now, so I'm not sure what I am supposed to give to God here. I suppose control. But how?

How exactly do I give this feeling of what I think is loss to God? Do I let go of my control over what I feel? And proceed to feel pain over one night? I can't live hung up on one night. It's pathetic.

He raised the bar on my standards...at least that.