Chatbox thoughts

Dear X pt. 2

Well, I've done it. I've gaslit myself into believing that I don't need help. or I'm trying to gaslight myself into believing I do.

Honestly, my mind is such a mess right now that I don't even know. and at this point it's just so confused it shut off. or I think that's what this is.

I don't even remember why I told you that I wasn't ok and now that I am somewhat doing fine I'm scared that you are going to be mad that I wasted your time.

But I feel dead on the inside like there's something that should be there and there isn't.

I don't feel called anywhere by God. He isn't usually very loud but the air feels dead. I might have just shut him out. I don't know. That wasn't intentional.

and now my mental health has stabilized. and you know that it spiked downwards but have zero context and I hope I didn't hype it up. But cause if you are expecting me to be in shreds and I seem to be fine, you might get mad.

Being terrified that someone will be angry at you for doing literally anything sucks btw.

Also, I hope you don't tell my parents. Because this affects my health this would technically give you a good reason to tell my parents especially since you aren't bound by any legal contract to keep it a secret.

I am terrified they are going to yell at me...for wanting to "carve my skin". That's kinda sad. actually, it isn't a little bit sad this is very sad.

I shouldn't have to be scared of my parent's reactions to things. But I am especially with me being an adult and everything changing. 

What if they decide that I have to pay rent, groceries, water bills, and electricity? I don't have a job that's stable. I can't pay that.

What if they kick me out? They've been joking about that since I've been in MIDDLE SCHOOL! I don't think you understand how much my brain locks into my sub-conscience.

Of course, there is always the opposite reaction. You could be upset and not angry, which is far more likely. I don't know what to do with that.

I don't know what to do if my parents react with sadness.

I feel like how my dog probably felt when I cracked. "I don't know how to handle this so I'm just going to comfort you in the best way I know how even though this feels like something I shouldn't really be doing."

What if you suggest family therapy? That sounds awful. having to confront my parents about their own behavior in front of someone they like and will put on a good face for.

Actually, this doesn't sound like a horrible idea, until we get in the car to go home and we are in the safety of our own walls.

But I am tired and I have to confront all of this tomorrow. So I'm going to go to sleep.