Chatbox thoughts

My Story

So it occurred to me that I have never written out my full story anywhere. So I am going to start here.

I have a lot of stories that I can tell about me. Some are prettier than others. I wish I could say I remember my whole story but I don't so I shall tell you what I can. Starting with the normal trauma everyone gets from childhood.

Childhood is important to the growth of a human being it basically shares their entire personality for the rest of their life. Most people don't know this but I had a comfort character at six years old. Or I think it was six. He's just been there for as long as I can remember.  I started making up stories to help myself fall asleep at night and as I grew up I just talked with him.

I call him Cici now. He is a morphing character. He just changes shape depending on what media or people have been influencing me. His personality doesn't change though. However, I didn't attach him to a specific character until just recently. Now he's more attached to Bucky Barnes/Sebastian Stan. I also have acquired a second comfort character, Natasha Romanoff.

But I talked with Cici because the household I grew up in was very restrictive when it came to free speech. My parents raised me and my sibling to be independent people who have their own minds and can speak freely. They were loving parents, I couldn't have asked for better. But both of my parents are sarcastic and have tough love. While most normal babies have people gushing over them when they fall down my parents were just like "...Oh no. You fell. Get back up!" It wasn't awful but their sarcasm and bold, free speech shaped me to be just like them. But as a kid, I never felt like I could say what I actually thought because I would get spanked.

I was scared of pain as a kid. I still kinda am. It's better now but I still face a lot of fear.

But my conversations with Cici helped my creative side develop and so now I can do writing like this and fantastical stories well. I will admit that figuring out I've been a maladaptive daydreamer for most of my life was very interesting.

When I was a teenager I figured out I went through trauma as a kid. The two main people that have been a part of that were my former best friend and my former ballet teacher. Keep in mind that this is all verbal abuse and all of it has been stopped.

My best friend from when I was very young to when I was eleven was my everything. She and I did everything together. I told her everything and she told me everything. We hung out together anytime we could. We even got pictures taken together (my mom wanted some). We had our friend group and all was well.

Until one of my close guy friends, who I had a crush on at the time, told her that he liked her. I was happy for them I loved them both and I wanted the best for them. But unfortunately, she didn't reciprocate those feelings and things got awkward. I thought she was crazy because he was really cool. And I tried everything I could to fix things. To put things back to the way they were before. Then my best friend got a phone and she was on it constantly. Whenever I would bring this up with her she would dismiss me again and again. She dismissed any feelings I had. I didn't have a phone so this created a need to be included on any internet reference. Especially since my parents were notorious for quoting all sorts of movies I wasn't allowed to watch. I couldn't talk to her anymore because I felt she wasn't talking to me. And my best friend got a best friend about this time and I was slowly pushed from my friend group. No one cared, except those who couldn't do a thing.

As an eleven-year-old, I thought friends were supposed to last forever. So that whole incident ripped me apart. It went down like a bad breakup and everyone knew about it. It didn't help that I was dealing with a reoccurring sickness at that time too (a story I do not particularly want to share). After all of that, I hated her for leaving me. I couldn't say anything nice to her for the next four years. I kept saying that I had forgiven her but it took years of time and maturing to actually get me to forgive her.