Chatbox thoughts

oh no

well, we're here again

I was chatting with myself and I asked my invisible friend to do a tik tok pov with me (don't judge, we cope in different ways). Except in this alternate reality, he didn't know me and so I asked him on a recording.

"Hey, can you just say..."

"Hey, It's gonna be ok. I promise."

it hurts to hear something so vividly in your head and not be able to feel it.

I don't even know what is wrong anymore. I watched Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2 today. I almost cried at the end. Yondu's end really touched me. He was an outcast among a family of outcasts and even though he was treated as a traitor he was honored in the end.

I keep relating to these side characters that are shown by the world that they aren't worth anything to them. Not that they aren't worth something but they are constantly shown that they are the side character, the neutral, the unwanted.

I guess that shows the way I feel about myself. I feel like the world undervalues me. It's been happening my whole life. Constantly being left out by people who claim to care. Just this week my youth pastor tried to kick me out of an event that I'M HOSTING.

"Does she have to be there?" I'd like to see you try to do this without me, given that I'm the only person who knows how to do the project!

He just wants to get it going it doesn't matter if I'm there or not. It's a "youth funded project." Even though I'm the one who knows how to do it, I've been making announcements about it, I've been setting it up, and I've been collecting the supplies. I can forgive him though. He didn't mean it out of malice.

I am used to being the only person who cares about me. Maybe that's why I don't really trust God. Maybe the reason why I only trust him with the superficial is because that's what everyone else can be trusted with.

So what if anyone else cares. It's not like I care, except that I do. It's not like I care that I am the only person on my dance team who cares about hip hop. It's not like I care that conversations between more than three people leave me in the dust. It's not like I care that I get brushed off by people I want to talk to. It's not like I care that my own pastor won't talk with me about issues I brought up months ago. It's not like I care that I can't have a serious conversation about anything theological with my dad because it gets brushed off with a joke.

Maybe that's his coping mechanism because he doesn't know the answer. Maybe I'll ask. That probably won't end well.

I'm gonna jump back to the side character thing. I feel like a side character. They're not really important to everything but are just enough so that they get screen time. But the real ones aren't there for the main character are they? maybe.

I wish I would become the main character before I decide to become the villain.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pexl4Zid4gs&t=3321s - the first song is pretty much the song I had running through my mind while writing this.

"Are you tired of me yet?"

It sounds so sad. Like they've been expecting it to come sooner or later even though they don't want it.

I don't have any thoughts that need to go here. We'll see how long that lasts while I slip into my Dream Reality. Bye for now.