Chatbox thoughts

dance comp.

So I had a dance competition this weekend.

I was really excited about my solo. It was super fun and had a lot of character. I really like it and I usually bring a ton of energy to it. Usually, at competition, all the adrenaline kicks in and my dancing makes me proud.  if no one else it makes me proud.

But when I went on stage. It's like I wasn't even there.

I just went through the movements. I had the character but it's like everything that I loved about dance was gone. I was gone.

My teacher told me it's the cleanest it's ever looked. I didn't realize that she meant it looked worse.

then awards came. the second I stepped on that stage I remembered exactly why I hated these things. Just a reminder of exactly how little you matter to the world. Hip hop is an underrated style and rarely gets placed. So I didn't really expect to.

But I didn't expect to feel nothing. I wish I could say I was disappointed. I just walked in and walked out with no feeling. No adrenaline. No joy. No passion. No nothing.

Just expectations met.

It sucks that that was the competition that everybody saw.

and I'm upset only now for lack of anything other than...I don't even know what.

Disappointment? Anger? I don't know

I can barely feel anything. I've thought about trying to get myself to feel. Cutting a hole to let the pressure out so it doesn't hurt so much. But I know that won't help anything.

my outlet is dance and I can barely feel that. and the dance was horrible. I didn't have energy so it sucked and I deserved what I got but I don't why I danced like that.

I should have been better.   I should have stood out. I picked a theme that would stand out and I was the only hip-hop soloist. I should have at least placed and I didn't. I don't know why I danced like that. I don't know why I've lost everything that gave me a chance at even placing.

I don't know why God wants me to lose so badly but I would sure like to know the damn reason!

I can't even look at the plaque I got, a reminder of how badly I failed. My parents keep standing it up. I keep putting it down.

and of course, every other person in my studio that day placed, except me.

My dad pointed out that he saw an adult competing and that I still could do this after I've graduated. But I don't know if I even want to. I never win, I never even place, unless I'm in a duet.

It meant a lot that he actually came to the performance tho. He doesn't normally. He drew my elbow joints (I was a doll). That meant a lot to me for whatever reason.

Maybe because he just showed up. Maybe that helped my self-worth just a little before I wasted everybody's time.  My teacher was rushing to get there in time for me to dance and I went out there and ...

that's the worst I've ever done that dance. and that will never happen again.