Chatbox thoughts

I don't like it here

I hate life

I don't understand it. why is it so expensive? why do I have to have life insurance? why is there insurance at all? Car insurance doesn't even make sense and that's the one I understand.

I don't want to get deductions on my paycheck.

I am not even in the workforce and I already am worried about how I'm going to survive.

The minimum wage isn't going to support someone. Inflation keeps going up along with the national debt. Government programs keep increasing and the deductions are taking a third of my paycheck. People take advantage of the system you put in place to help people and yet you do nothing. we might as well resort to anarchy at this point.

Honestly, I already feel like I am a hamster in a wheel here why must life continue to be so depressing. I do the same thing day in and day out. nothing changes. I need to get out of here. I would rearrange my room if everything wasn't set up so nicely.

I know I'm privileged to be in the middle class but I feel like the prince in Cinderella. I just want some excitement. I want something new. I also want some time to work things out...I feel like I don't even have that. I'm slipping into another existential crisis again. Where my thoughts are spinning so fast that I can't even register them all I know is that they know what we know. It's not worth it.

nothing seems to be worth it anymore.

Is this what depression feels like? Probably not. I think it feels worse.

But what is keeping me here? Probably the fact that I committed to my dance team. It's currently the only thing keeping me alive. Dance that is. It's the only time I leave the house to go do something I want to do. I don't know what I'd do without it. Maybe I would wither away further into the hollowed shell of a human I am.

That's what I feel like. Just a shell. I feel like a hamster in a cage or Dormammu caught in a time loop. The most I usually do is school which I can't get myself to focus on. I hate that part of myself. It's the reason I don't do anything. I can't focus on school so I don't do it. My mom doesn't let me do anything until I do my school so I lie and then I end up doing entire chapters of school well into the night or even reading whole books and finishing subjects into the next year. I don't know how I am even going to survive as an adult.

I've tried so many things to get myself to do it. I don't want to work around other people because that just brings on the yelling. It's the only way I can get myself to work but the risk is not worth it. That's what most things feel like. Just not worth it. listening to the yelling isn't worth it. doing pointless work to pass the time isn't worth it. Dance and my friends are the only things that are worth it.

I can't wait for tomorrow (she said sarcastically) maybe I'll find something worth it on the other side of tomorrow.