Chatbox thoughts

spiritual gift

I thought I was supposed to be different.

The image of Christ is loving and compassionate and yet here I am described as none of those things.

I feel like I haven't changed since middle school

They told me I was prophetic, and bold.

Prophetic meaning, I tell people the truth. I am the person who can walk in a room light the grenade and walk out and leave other people to deal with the consequences.

I've always been that.

I see that as someone who's out of control. Brash. Hurtful. I leave people in shambles of who they once were.

I thought I was better. I was supposed to be better.

I thought I was different, but it seems that nothing has changed.

I feel like I'm in anguish over this.

Am I supposed to be different than this?

I don't see the point of making me a unique character. I don't want to be unique I'm tired of being a rare commodity. I wanted to be normal

But am I supposed to be?

Am I just fighting the will of God?

I don't want to fight God, but I am in pain because the qualities I hate most about myself are the things people notice first about me.

I wanted to be compassionate and somebody that people trust and want to go to but instead I'm just this blunt force, a sharp object.

It seems like this is not a good quality for a teacher especially one who wants to create a space that students can feel like someone cares about them.

I am angry at myself.

I thought I changed.

At least I seek the truth. All I really want is clarity. Truth holds that very dear.

I guess I'm needed but I am not who I wanted to be

Jesus came in and threw a whole temple into upheaval for desecrating the truth, but I am only that it seems.

Someone who tells the truth is despised. They lose people their walk is alone. I don't want to be alone again

I said I was ok with it. And that's a partial lie.

I don't mind being the person who speaks truth. But the fact that this is the only thing I am seen as is distressing me.

I've been struggling with what I'm supposed to be.

Am I supposed to be healed of this? Am I supposed to be fixed? Aren't I supposed to be the image of Christ?

It seems I've fallen back.

Because all I'm asking now is what the fuck am I?

I feel like a cheap copy of two face. Two separate people fighting for control.

This has knocked my self esteem back.