Chatbox thoughts

Untitled Part 88

Abandonment issues.

Healing is hard.

So I might have figured out where my fears of sex come from. Connor actually figured it out before I did. He just used different language, and it hasn't connected all the dots until now.

"I'm not really sure I think you're scared of the process and scared of exposing yourself fully to someone else cause you're worried they're gonna find something they don't like and that would be devastating to you."

He was right, and I was surprised at that. I had assumed he didn't get it, and he very much does.

I looked at some Reddit threads of people with abandonment issues talking about sex, and one girl was scared that she would be left after because she wasn't good at it.

I did some research on the symptoms of abandonment issues. Difficulty letting others in, forming quick attachments, feelings of worthlessness (or a fragile self-identity), and being clingy or possessive.

Clingy tends to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You draw closer, and they pull away, and that leads to frantic attempts to salvage.

Apparently, people who form attachments don't always connect with that person.

People who are like me adopt the mannerisms, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of another person. This changes who you are.

Science says that the solution is to be comfortable being alone. That worked for a long while. Now I have something I'm scared I'll lose. I think deployment is helping. I can be alone while not actually being alone.

I am working to avoid self-sabotage. When I read something that could hurt me, I consider past words. I choose not to take offense to things because "they would never say that to me."

I have not seen a therapist who works specifically with abandonment trauma. I am keeping this in my back pocket in case I do.

The second source I looked at said this: "They may have unhelpful views in the domains of safety, trust, power/competence, esteem and intimacy,"

Well, that sounds familiar.

So does the list of symptoms, which includes many in the first source and adds: difficulty trusting, withdrawing socially, engaging in self-destructive behaviors, persistent feelings of sadness, fearfulness of social interactions, and codependent behaviors.

I am a lot of those. I'm better than I was, but I still struggle.

But at least I'm not codependent! I may prioritize others and prioritize my relationship but I am not excessive or compulsive in it. My relationship does not hinder my ability to take care of myself.

It honestly has forced me to take better care of myself. It drew out a lot of issues that I didn't know needed addressing. It's pushed me to learn how my body works...I've been avoiding my body and talking about it for the better part of a decade.

My last source was the one I had suspected, and I am glad to know I'm right.

BDSM

It stems from many different places, both intrinsic and extrinsic. I fall on the intrinsic side. I have always been into it (I will spare you the age), but I also use it as a way to "heal."

I enjoy Connor's possessiveness. I enjoy feeling wanted or desired (who doesn't?). I have a feeling my abandonment issues play into my desire for the more hardcore possessive. Things like CNC (I'm not explaining that) and bondage are really attractive to me. 

It's understanding that I am not going anywhere.

I was wanted to the point that somebody was willing to turn to violence to keep me there.

It is intoxicating.

Granted, you can always leave someone tied up, or you could leave after CNC and neglect aftercare. But having a partner you trust or who is experienced in this helps a lot.

A part of me is still protecting that 11-year-old kid from getting hurt again. I just got to trust Connor with her.

Trust is a two-way street, it is earned, but it is given first.

My third (and most interesting) source- https://www.sexandpsychology.com/blog/2020/7/27/the-psychological-origins-of-bdsm-8-things-that-draw-people-to-kink/