Behind Classroom Doors II

CLXXII- Cemetery

As morning approaches, Ty stumbles back in my room. He's visibly hungover and practically sweating booze. I sit up from the bed as he closes the door behind him. "How was the party?" Last time I checked Shawn couldn't find him on the way out.

    Ty rubs his forehead, unable to look me in my eyes. "Look, I'm sorry I know you're probably mad at me for not coming back. I went to a few other bars last night and I lost my phone." His immediate apology surprises me, considering I only asked him how the party went.

"Oh, I figured you crashed at Jake's or something." Ty stays silent while he crosses the room and opens the door to my bathroom. I wait on the bed while he washes his face and brushes his teeth. When he's finished, he grabs some clothes from his suitcase and starts to change. "Since we're on the topic, why did you go to a few different bars and stay out all night?"

Ty groans, as if the questions I offer inconvenience him. "Because I had to think about things."

I push the blankets off and get up from the bed. "Things like what?" I pry as the butterflies in my stomach begin to swarm. I can't help wondering if this is it. If this is the moment he'll break up with me and leave me to myself. Would I go running to Shawn? Especially after what he said last night.

"It's Shawn...I thought he was cool with us seeing each other but-" Ty shrugs, seeming defeated and confused. When he meets my eyes he adds, "-I think he's still in love with you." Ty's words calm my stomach and my anxiety ridden mind. If what he's saying is true, what could it mean for me and Ty? I sit back down on the bed, unclear of how to respond. After a few moments, it feels too uncomfortable to say anything at all. Ty sits beside me as we both stare straight ahead. "I don't know what his play is but he was trying to get underneath my skin." From the looks of it, it worked.

"So you wanted to think about your friendship with Shawn?"

Ty lays back, his hands overlap on the top of his stomach. He's completely exhausted. "Yeah, but it's on him if he doesn't like us together. I only asked him in the first place out of respect." I never knew about any of this. I want to ask more questions but Ty seems almost ready to pass out.

His eyes close and his mouth opens slightly. I move the blanket to cover him and kiss his forehead. The next thing I do, I can't condone or explain away. But I put on a quick change of clothes and get ready to leave. My parents are downstairs attempting to make breakfast until I rush out of the door. I can talk to my parents later, but right now, while Ty is asleep, I need to ask for advice. Who better to talk to than the only other woman that couldn't get over Shawn Morgan?

The drive is the worst part but I find her plot quickly. There's a barely weathered stone that spells her full name out in big bold letters. Underneath says that she was a beloved mother and daughter. I get closer and look around to make sure no one can hear me. "Hey." I pause, "I just wanted to talk to you about someone." I shake off my nerves to continue. "I guess it's no surprise I'm here about Shawn, but I need to talk to someone who won't judge me for saying this. I like Ty, he's everything I ever thought I wanted in a relationship. Everyone loves him...everyone except me." Saying that outloud feels like a small weight has been lifted off of me. My throat feels closed off and It's hard to find my voice. Why is this so hard? With a tiny humorless chuckle, I continue. "You're the only other person who's left Shawn. I know it broke your heart, it had to of." I never thought I would understand Katherine like this. She was a little on the crazy side but maybe Shawn made her that way. He has this effect on me, I can only imagine what he did to her. "Tell me what to do, Katherine."

The silence is damning. She'll never answer me, and I know that. "I still love-"

"Livia?"

I turn around to see Shawn. He's standing ten feet away with Matthew in his arms. "Shawn."

He closes the space between us. "What are you doing here?"

I can't tell him the truth, that I was here for him. It will sound desperate and needy, even if I am. "Paying my respects. You?" It's clear why he's here. Matthew is with him, quiet and probably as confused as I am.

Shawn sets Matthew down and keeps him close to his side. "Since the cemetery is close to Brookview, I figured I'd make the drive for Matthew." I almost scoff at how thoughtful he is to a two year old. Shawn really does make a great father.

Instead I turn to Katherine's gravestone in silence and allow them to have their time. I forgot how much I missed the sound of his voice, up until now I was trying to forget him completely. Of course that proves hard when every little thing reminds me of him. Not to mention my dreams of him and the family I thought I'd never want.

I turn my face so he can't see me and begin to cry softly. Small minded tears run down my face as I think about Shawn and Matthew beside me. There's no reason for this, I did this to myself. "I'm so sorry." I cry, unable to hide it anymore. "I have to go."

As I begin to leave his familiar hand wraps around my arm and pulls me back. This time we're face to face and inches away from one another. His green eyes alone make me want to break down in his arms. "Sorry?" He questions hastily, "Sorry for what?"

"For pushing you away. We were both going through something and it wasn't fair." I sob. "I thought it would be easier to run away." For the most part it was. "I can't deny you anymore, Shawn..." I look down at Matthew instead of Shawn. He's playing with a toy he must've had in his pocket.

Shawn grabs my chin so that we're looking at each other again. "I want you to listen to me and really hear me, do you understand?" I nod, unsure of where he's going with this. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"But Shawn I-"

"-Haven't done anything wrong." He finishes.

With nothing more to say, I don't respond and we slowly leave each other, turning to Katherine's gravestone. I take this time to calm down and stop crying. He always makes me feel better, it doesn't matter what happens. "I've made a mistake with Ty. I'm breaking up with him when we get back to New York."

"Why?" He quietly asks.

"Do you even have to ask me that?" It's because of him, it'll always be because of my feelings towards him. It doesn't matter if we're not together. I can't love anyone else. I'm tired of pretending that I can.

My skin tingles as I feel his hand brush against mine. After a moment or two, his fingers begin to wrap around mine. I let out a deep breath and close my eyes to drink in his simple touch.

After it's been too long and Matthew begins to get fussy, I slowly begin to pull away. Eventually, our hands are no longer touching and he doesn't stop me from walking away.