Behind Classroom Doors II

C- Perfection

During dinner with Shawn, I catch him up on everything that's happened with Becca, Katie knowing, and then Katherine, and then inevitably, Sam. "If I had it my way, I'd kick his ass."

"Then you'd lose your job." I remind him.

"He doesn't get to treat people like that, especially to his students." It comes apparent, now more than ever, that his intentions were never good. I probably saved myself many future problems. "I just can't believe he's a criminal justice teacher."

I think back to what Sam told me about before. He used to work for a law office until something happened. He probably got caught up in allegations from another woman that didn't want him.

Shawn stands up and grabs some wine from his cabinet. He walks over and fills our glasses. I thank him and wait for him to sit back down before taking a drink. "Enough about Sam, I want to talk about us." I say. I gain his attention immediately. "I realized that I was so quick to tell people about us in the past. You were right about it only being on my terms and I'm done with that. From now on, it's whoever you want to tell and when. The risk is just something we'll both have to take."

Shawn nods, clearly wanting to make this work as much as I do. "Then we'll start with your parents on Thanksgiving. I want you to go talk to Katie tomorrow. Even though we're telling people, we still have to be smart about it and make sure it's only people we trust."

I reach across the table and grab Shawn's hand. "Of course." I agree.

He smiles at me, so perfect and beautiful. "I also want to apologize about rushing you to move in with me and move forward, it was all too much too fast. We'll both know when the timing is right."

I nod and laugh lightly, letting go of his hand to pick up my wine glass. "Look at us, being adults and working things through."

He laughs with me, "We both have some learning to do, about relationships and each other." As much as I think he's perfect, I know he's right. No one is perfect.

When I get back to the dorms, Katie is waiting patiently on her bed with her phone in her hand. As soon as she sees me, she shoves her phone to the side and looks up. I set my stuff down and walk over to my nightstand. I pull out my journal and toss it in her direction, she catches it. "What is this?" She questions, glancing it over. I grab some new clothes to change into and my shower stuff.

"It's my explanation for everything. I wrote about the things that happened last year and It's the easiest way you can understand my perspective. I'm going to go take a shower, shave my legs, wash my hair, it'll be awhile." A while ago my friends told me I needed an outlet, a way to get what happened to me out of my head...so I put it on paper. Shawn had it in his hands once, it scared the hell out of me for a second. The relief I felt when he said he didn't was unmistakable. My private thoughts, feelings, and reasons are in there. Now I'm sharing it with someone I've known less than everyone else.

She nods, looking up at me, "You don't want me to read this with you here?"

I shake my head and grab the handle to leave. "I can't even bring myself to read it." I toss over my shoulder on my way out.

The shower lasted about an hour, I stayed in there until the water ran cold. Then I got out and took the time to blow dry my hair and throw it up. When I finally feel like it's been enough time, I head back to my room. Katie is silent when I walk in, with my journal laying right beside her. I feel nerves settle in my stomach, making a nest to live in. I can't tell what she's thinking from just looking at her, so I force myself to ask. "Did you read it?"

"Yeah..." I take the journal back and put it in my nightstand. We stay in silence for a few minutes. I'm unsure more now than I was a minute ago. Without any words, Katie stands up and walks up to me. My breath hitches when she does the unexpected, she hugs me. Her arms are tiny but strong, pulling me into her warm embrace. For a second she smells like cotton candy, it reminds me of Jenny and I hug her back. "I'm so sorry." Katie whispers in my ear.

I pull back first, shrugging, "It's okay I've dealt with it." Mostly.

"I can't imagine how. Is it okay if I ask questions?" I gesture for her to continue, knowing there was a chance I would have to clear a few things up. "Why did you get engaged to him? It didn't seem like he planned on changing anytime soon."

I almost laugh but don't. Nothing about this is funny. "I was so desperate to hold onto what I thought we had. Three years of my life went with Dean. Besides, I knew what I had with Mr. Morgan wasn't going to last. So I gave him a shot, despite knowing it wasn't what I really wanted."

Her eyes soften, like she's pleased with my answer. Then another question crosses her mind. "What about Katherine? That's that girl you punched right? She was Mr. Morgan's student too? How could you be sure he wasn't a pedophile or something?" All of these questions are valid but they don't hurt any less to hear. The past really does have a way of biting people in the ass.

"It's the same way you know Jack likes you for who you are even though there's an age difference and the lines get blurred. At first I thought he was just using me. The track record basically spoke for itself. Then I realized it was more than that. Mr. Morgan didn't love Katherine, she trapped him and he had an obligation to stay with her. He never had an obligation with me and yet it felt like the world would end if we were apart. It still does." I add the last part because of our recent break up.

Katie sighs, "Your life is insane." She notes, but I can't help but feel like I relate to her. As soon as she finds out who Jack really is, things will get crazy for her too. Then she'll have to figure out whether or not she wants to stay. No one could blame her if she didn't. "Also, I never would've let Luke or Hunter off the hook but that's just me." Her tone is light, like she's trying to tread lightly and not make it sound like I made the wrong choice. It's something I appreciate.

I lay back on my bed, feeling tired. "I spent so much time being angry and confused. Then I realized that's not how I wanted to live my life. What happened to me was Dean's fault, not theirs. I couldn't push them away." To an extent, I never have completely forgiven them. It doesn't matter though, because eventually I had to move on, and accept what happened for what it was.

Katie stays silent after that. Maybe to mull over what we had talked about and what she had read. Either way, the silence gave me a chance to close my eyes and drift off to sleep.