100 Days Before I Die

D-7

June 10 D-7 Laugh.

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All my life, I've never experienced laughing too much.... just a little. And now, I would give myself a chance to be happy despite everything. Even though I'm struggling with my illness every day, unfortunately, I'm the only one aware of reality.

I fixed myself before leaving the melancholic room. I went straight to the garden and tried to calm myself for a while. I listened to the chirping of birds. It was relaxing. But I still felt the same emptiness I’ve always felt. The feeling of bereavement affected many things, and I felt incomplete.

When I opened my teary eyes, I was shocked. Why didn’t I even notice his presence? His dark aura was there. Maybe I was too occupied.

“Good morning, Britney. Did you have something to tell?” He smiled and sat beside me. Yeah, he has doubts about me. Oh my god, did he already notice my situation? Of course, he must not know. He doesn’t really know me yet. After all, I hide so many secrets.

“Are you okay? Do you need medication?”

I felt scared again. I knew he was just concerned, but what the heck was he talking about? Medication?! For what?

“Don’t be scared.” his voice was full of concern.

He even noticed my small actions. Maybe because it’s easy to read my movements and expressions.

His manly scent surrounded me, and I felt empty until his muscular arms wrapped around my trembling body. He gave me a warm hug, and for the first time, I felt a bit of happiness. My heart melted because of this guy.

“I’m willing to listen to your point of view, Britney.”

I was about to cry when I realized he was hinting that I wasn’t alone. He was willing to be with me even though I’m like this. If I didn’t lie, I would’ve told him my real name. I wanted him to say my name.

NO! I shouldn’t feel this way. I can’t trust him. I can’t trust anyone. I can only trust myself, right?

I felt jealous too... jealous of those lucky people who have a good life, unlike me, who is suffering.

They said, Never hate jealous people. They are jealous because they think you are better than them.

Yes, I feel that, because this world is unfair. People say life is beautiful. That’s not true! I’ve never experienced life as beautiful.

“Cry, you need it.” he almost whispered.

“Stay fvcking away from me!” I yelled, struggling to break free from his hug. But his grip was too tight. It hurts to be broken, but I want to fight as long as I still can. I’m still hoping for the happiness I truly deserve.

“No! You’re not okay.” his voice was hoarse and deep.

“I want to be alone! Just let me go!” I yelled again. How can I laugh if the situation is like this? Am I going to fail again? But I don’t want to.

I felt the warm tears streaming endlessly down my cheeks. I let out sobs as I cried on his shoulder. I could also hear his uneven breathing. I wanted to be okay, but I really wasn’t. Maybe Dark Harris was just as confused with my actions.

“I....I want to laugh.” my voice cracked.

Am I crazy? Why did I say that?! He wouldn’t understand me! I expected him to laugh, but he didn’t. He only hugged me tighter.

“Then, be happy, Britney.”

He said something more, but I couldn’t hear it clearly.

He started fixing my messy hair, and wiped away my tears. Seriously, my heart melted. I felt like it wanted to jump out of my chest. I forced myself to forget what he did. I’m not stupid enough to fall just because of his kindness.

“Tara?” he offered his hand.

There’s nothing wrong if I go with him. He was making me feel like he understood me through all my actions. I can handle myself, and I won’t let this strange feeling take me over.

We spent our day watching comedy. I laughed so much with him. He said he wasn’t good at making jokes, so we just watched comedy shows instead. Well, he’s always focused on writing novels... admirable, really.

He even cancelled his dinner date with Georgia. This time, he made me feel important.

“Britney, I like the way you laugh; you are damn beautiful.” he smiled. My heart stopped. His words kept replaying in my head. Am I really beautiful even like this? No way. That word doesn’t fit me. A speechless and awkward silence filled the air.

He chuckled. He stuck out his tongue and widened his eyes, acting silly. I couldn’t see any darkness in him at that moment. He was a jerk.... but one who was trying his best to make me laugh.

My loudest laugh echoed through the room. The way he stared at me, it was like I was the most precious thing in the world. What’s wrong with him?

“Dark Harris, that doesn’t suit you!” I laughed. I laughed harder as he moved his long tongue around, making faces.

“It suits me!” he pouted. I laughed again because he looked like a sulking puppy. I felt better, because when your heart is happy, the physical pain doesn’t matter as much.

“You actually know how to make someone laugh.” I bit my lip, trying to stop smiling.

“Not all the time I’m serious, Britney. Sometimes, I also do stupid things just to make someone happy.” He smiled, but this time, I could feel his dark aura again.

Even though I was scared, I stared back into his eyes. Was it darkness, or sadness? Longing? Grief?

“Dark Harris, are you really okay? Is there something bothering you?” I asked seriously. We were locked in eye contact, but he was the first to look away.

He chuckled.

“I’m totally fine, Britney. How about you? You look sick.” His brows furrowed as he studied me. I quickly looked away, afraid he might read the truth in my eyes.

“Can you stop asking me? I’m okay.” I forced a laugh before standing up. We can’t spend too much time together. If we do, he’ll notice my illness.

“Where are you going?” he asked, his brows creased.

“Somewhere. Thank you for making me laugh, Dark Harris. One day, I’ll repay your kindness.” My voice was husky, but I tried to make it gentle. Embarrassing, he saw me cry today... but at least he made me laugh.

I smiled. I didn’t fail this day because of Dark Harris. I will thank him soon.

I feel strange, and I hate this kind of happiness. It can’t be. I don’t want a reason to stay alive.