June 10 D-7 Laugh
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All of my life, I've never experienced laughing too much, just a little. And now I would give myself a chance to be happy despite everything. Even though I'm struggling with my illness every day, unfortunately I'm the only one aware of reality.
I fixed myself before leaving the melancholic room. Dumiretso ako sa garden at panandaliang ikinalma ang sarili ko. I listened to the chirping of birds for awhile; it was relaxing. But I still felt the same feeling I've felt ever since. The feeling of bereavement affected many things, and I felt incomplete.
When I opened my teary eyes, I was shocked. Why didn't I even notice his presence? His dark presence Maybe I'm so occupied.
"Good morning, Britney, Did you have something to tell?" He smiled and sat beside me. Yeah, he has a doubt about me. Ohmyg*d, napapansin niya na ba ang sitwasyon ko? syempre hindi n'ya pwedeng malaman. Hindi n'ya pa ako kilala; after all, I hide some secrets.
"Are you okay? Do you need medication?"
I feel scared again. I know that he's just concerned, but what the heck is he talking about? Medication?! For what?
"Don't be scared." his voice full of concern
He even noticed my actions. Maybe dahil madali lang hulaan ang mga galaw at expression ko.
His manly scent inhaled around me, and I felt empty until his muscular arms enwrapped my trembling body. He gave me a warm hug; this time, nakaramdam ako ng tuwa. My heart is melting because of this guy.
"I'm willing to listen to your point of view, Britney."
I was about to cry when he hinted that I'm not alone; he was willing to be with me even though I'm just like this. If I didn't lie, I would tell him my real name. I want him to say my name.
NO! Hindi ko dapat maramdaman ang ganitong pakiramdam. I can't trust him! I can't trust anyone, of course. I can only trust myself, right?
I felt jealous too. I'm so jealous that those lucky people have a good life, unlike me, who's suffering.
They said, Never hate jealous people. They are jealous because they think you are better than them.
Yes, I felt it, because this world is unfair! Life is beautiful. That's not true! I never experienced that my life had gone so beautifully since then.
"Cry, you need it," he almost whispered.
"Stay fvcking away from me!" I yelled. Nag pumiglas ako na makawala sa yakap n'ya, but sobrang higpit ng kapit n'ya. Masakit ang mabigo, pero gusto kong lumaban hanggang sa makakaya ko pa. I am still hoping for the happiness I really deserve.
"No! You're not okay." His voice was hoarse and deep.
"I want to be alone! Just let me go!" I yelled again. How to laugh If the situation is like this, again? I'm going to fail? But I don't want
Naramdaman ko nalang ang sunod sunod na pag-daloy ng mainit na likido sa pisngi ko. I let out a bit of sobbing; I cried on his shoulder. Narinig ko din ang mabilis n'yang pag-hinga. I want to be okay, but I'm really not. Siguro ay naguguluhan rin si Dark Harris dahil sa inaasta ko ngayon.
"G-Gusto kong tumawa," my voice cracked.
Am I crazy? Bakit sinabi ko 'yon?! He doesn't understand me! I expected him to laugh, but I still felt his tight hug.
"Then, be happy, Britney."
Meron pa s'ya sinabi, but I can't hear it clearly.
He started to fix my messy hair, wiped my tears away, and kissed my forehead. Oh, my God! Seriously, my heart was melting. Parang gusto nitong tumalon, inalis ko sa isipan ang ginawa n'ya. I'm not stupid enough to let myself fall just because of his kindness.
"Tara?" He offered his hand.
There's nothing wrong if I go with him. Ipinaparamdam n'ya naman sakin na naiintindihan n'ya ako sa lahat ng action ko. I can handle myself. Hanggang sa maari ay hindi ako magpapadala sa kakaibang pakiramdam.
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We spent our day watching comedy. I laughed too much with him. Sabi n'ya hindi daw s'ya marunong mag patawa kaya we watched comedy nalang. Sabagay nakatutok s'ya palagi sa pagsusulat ng novels, nakakahanga ang tulad n'ya. He even cancelled his dinner date with Georgia; this time he made me feel important.
"Britney I like the way you laughed; you are damn beautiful." he smiled. My heart stopped. Paulit-ulit kong naririnig ang boses n'ya sa isipan ko. Am I still pretty even like this? No way! That word won't fall on me. a speechless and awkward moment between us.
He chuckled, Nilabas n'ya ang dila n'ya habang nanlalaki ang kaniyang dalawang mata, wala akong nakikitang madilim na aura sa Dark Harris na kasama ko ngayon. He is a jerk! He was trying his best to make me laugh.
My loudest laugh had echoes in the whole room. The way he stared at me, it seemed I was the precious thing. What's wrong with him?
"Dark Harris, hindi bagay sayo!" natatawang sabi ko. Mas lalo akong natawa dahil ginalaw galaw n'ya ang mahaba n'yang dila.
"Bagay kaya." he pouted. Natawa pa ako kasi para s'yang nag tatampong aso. I feel better dahil masaya ang puso ko, kapag masaya ka pala ay balewala ang sakit na nararamdaman ko physically.
"Marunong ka naman palang mag patawa eh." I bit my lips just to stop smiling.
"Not all the time I'm serious, Britney; sometimes I also do stupid things just to make someone happy." He smiled, but this time I could feel his dark aura.
Even though I'm scared, I look straight into his eyes. Nakipag titigan ako sa Kaniya, is it darkness or sadness? Longing? Bereavement?
"Dark Harris, are you really okay? Is there something bothering you?" I asked seriously. We're staring into each other's eyes, but he's the one who avoids our eye contact.
He chuckled
"I'm totally fine, Britney. Ikaw? You look sick." kumunot ang noo n'ya at napatitig sakin, umiwas agad ako dahil sa takot at kaba na nararamdam ko ay baka malaman nya kung ano ang sinisigaw ng mga mata ko.
"Can you stop asking me? I'm okay." Tumawa nalang ako bago tumayo sa kinauupuan ko. We can't be together for a long time; any longer, he can notice my illness if I don't avoid his presence.
"Saan ka pupunta?" He creased his brow.
"Somewhere, thank you for making me laugh, Dark Harris. Balang araw masuklian ko din ang iyong Kabutihan." my voice was still husky, but I made it gentle. Nakakahiya, nasaksihan n'ya ang pag-iyak ko sa araw na ito, pero nagawa n'ya akong patawanin.
I smiled, finally. I didn't fail this day because of Dark Harris. I will thank him soon.
I feel strange, and I hate this kind of happiness. It can't be. I don't want to have a reason to stay alive, but I'm still hoping.
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Sorry for typographical and grammatical errors.
BINABASA MO ANG
100 Days Before I Die
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