Appetite for Mars: A Steven Adler X Mick Mars Tale

Chapter 15: What am I going to do?!!-Gotta Hide It Part 1

A/N: Things are really gonna get interesting for sure, Steven is a heartbroken mess, starts noticing strange things and finds out something life changing.... this will be in two parts....

I've been a total and complete fucking mess, and it's been a month. More shows, more parties...the strange thing is, I haven't had the desire to drink booze at all. I haven't touched a drop since my night with Mick. And God, how I have wanted to drink myself to oblivion.... but I can't. Like physically can't because it feels wrong. And that's the damn problem, EVERYTHING feels wrong. Mick and I haven't spoken at all, I keep wanting to hide myself away...my mental state is horrific, and my nightmares replay in my head, every night...and get worse. I can't sleep. But I've started to notice other strange things.... hang on, currently I am by myself at the hotel...everyone else is out and about...doing each other and having fun.... anyway, back to the strange things: in addition to not being able to or drinking booze.... I'm moody as fuck, cry all the time....and am super sensitive to smells, plus there is the fact my jeans are really not fitting right now...like I've gained weight a lot of weight...but I haven't really looked at my stomach at all. But my hips look bigger, I just know my stomach feels bigger. Yet I haven't been able to eat much, haven't felt like it. I've wanted to chalk it up to depression and heartbreak that are making me not want to be here anymore. Maybe...I should...just....NO, I can't...can't do that.... but then again...I get up from my current spot laying on the bed and have the sudden urge to vomit, I'd just started feeling nauseous...and now.... i barely, manage to drop to my knees and vomit in the toilet, but by some 'miracle' here I am.

This suck!! I try to come up for air but can't....and so I keep vomiting...and still more.... this goes on for a total of 15 minutes and FINALLY I seem to be done. I lean back against the tub and close my eyes, holding my stomach....

"Oww!" My voice hoarse and weak. Tears streaming down my face, and realization of what this could mean...hits me like a thunderbolt: could I be? Pregnant....no, no...what will I do if I am?!! I'm 21, have no clue about babies or relationships....and I would be alone...so alone....

I shakily, and slowly get to my feet and stumble to the sink and down some mouthwash and spit it out....and I gather my jacket and wallet and decide to go to the nearest store, taking a car of course. I feel like shit, so walking is out of the question. I leave my room cautiously, thank God my room is farther down from Mick's...God, mick...I still love him...and it's killing me. I want to be free to love him, but I can't. thankfully the coast is clear, and I head down to the lobby and call a car and head to the nearest grocery store or something like that.

Upon entering said establishment, I gather a basket and head for...a now much dreaded aisle, where the pregnancy tests are, I throw several in the basket... need to make sure, and then I find peppermints, strawberry pop tarts, fresh strawberries, for some reason I suddenly want strawberries...ok....then I grab Tylenol, water, Gatorade and for some odd reason make-up and pay for my purchases and the lady checking me out makes comments and I muster a glare and flip her off...and race back to my hotel room with my goods.

And before I get to my room, upon arriving at the hotel...I run into quite literally...oh fuck! It's Mick. My heart pounds so loud, it's a wonder he can't hear it. I drop my gaze and hurry past, and I hear:

"Steven?"

"Fuck off and fuck you!!" I call over my shoulder as I head down the hall and ignoring his calls...of my name. And shit, he's walking this way...., "Look.... we're not together, we won't be together, you don't love me...and I.... I am done, I told you that!!" And I slam the door in his face bursting into tears. Why the fuck did he ask me that? My name as a question? Maybe I should have apologized? No, no...concentrate steven.

I place the fresh berries in the little mini fridge along with the water and set out my pop tarts and the other stuff, well that stuff goes in my goody bags and leave a bottle of water and Tylenol out though after grabbing them....and fuck, I feel nauseous again!! I snatch the pregnancy tests, sprint to the bathroom, throw the tests down on the counter and vomit in the toilet.... this time I only puke for 10 minutes...so five minutes less I guess than round 1...once I finally stop, I grab some water, rinse my mouth out and nervously, look at the tests...

"Ok Steven...you have to do this!" I mutter to myself, reading the instructions and peeing on several tests and I wait...and wait for what feels like an eternity, until it's time...I pick up one stick and then another. And another...growing more and more frantic....

"Oh my god!! Oh my god! Why...why? They're all positive!! What am I going to do?!! I'm pregnant." I realize I am about to have a panic attack...and quickly I calm myself, tears streaming down my face...I can't believe this! Maybe a shower will help? Me to think, I hope.

Nervously, I strip until I am naked, and I finally look in the mirror and my jaw drops.... I'm super, super pale....and my stomach...I am truly seeing it for the first time and...and....

"How? How am I already showing this much? I should only, be a month a long, I think. It's so ROUND already...weird...must be a big baby or it will be." Tentatively I touch my stomach and rub it, it's indeed rounded and firm and I find myself stroking it...gently, as if I cannot help myself. I turn on the shower, where my shower toiletries are and have the shower be a at a good temperature that won't be too hot and get in. I can't quit looking at my stomach or touching it as I bathe, taking my time and using my favorite orange scented shampoo. I rinse my hair and resume stroking my stomach.... maybe, I should talk to my baby....my baby, wow!

"Ok...um, hey there.... i guess I'm your.... hmm, papa or daddy doesn't sound right. Mommy, ok? Mommy it is then. Um, I'm your mommy...name's steven....um, I'm scared to death. I'm SO young, and I'm in a band...and your...father...he doesn't know...I just found out." I pause as I think, I know what I must do, what I will do...I can't tell anyone, I can't...it could get back to Mick...and Mick? I don't know...how he'd react....I do know, as scared as I am...as stressed as I have been....i am keeping my baby...big baby, again weird....and....too, I already love my baby. I don't know what I am doing...and how long I can hide it? And the stress will get worse, my morning sickness...oh god...breathe steven.

Finally, I resume talking to my baby, "Sorry...was thinking. Forgive me...for this, for mommy...well I can't let your daddy know for as long as I can. Daddy he hurt me SO much, please my little baby forgives me. Maybe, one day...part of me holds out hope that we can be a family. I still love daddy so much.... but as I told you, despite how scared I am...I do know, that you're an innocent and the biggest thing? I already love you SO much. I may be young, but I will do my best to be a good parent, I promise.... i am just so scared of raising you alone!!" My tears start anew...and finally I exit the shower and change back into my sweats and dry my hair and burrow under my covers and turn on the tv. My hands once more wonder to my stomach.... i can't go to the doctor...Mick will find out somehow. But I will do my best to take care of myself and my baby.... but how will I do this alone? At least, I've already bought baggy clothing, regular and stage clothes.... weird, like it was instinct or something.

"I love you, and please forgive me for being such a mess." I whisper to my already rounded stomach, and I keep watching tv. Hands never leaving my stomach...things are really, going to get harder...I hope I can do this, but...I feel I have no choice.

A/N: Steven is a mess; things are going to get harder.... but he's pregnant and now will hide that, if possible, from everyone....and a confrontation with Mick here in this chapter? Part 2 will come asap!