Appetite for Mars: A Steven Adler X Mick Mars Tale

Chapter 17: Leave me Alone!

A/N: A Day on the tour bus, another confrontation with Mick....and poor Steven struggling so....

I find myself waking up with a start...and I groggily check my watch....so great, I'd only slept 2 hours. The bus is still moving...and I feel my eyes widen. I'm gonna get sick. I clamp a hand to my mouth and sprint to the bathroom, which thank God is unoccupied. I am about to spew everywhere, but I manage to lock the door and turn on the sink...not that I think they will hear me...being as its loud as hell upfront and I puke and puke and puke and...well you get it. I stumble my way back to my bunk and hunt for my mouth wash and sprint back to the bathroom and rinse out my mouth and clean my mess. And I once again head for my bunk and burrow under the covers and cry, my hands on my stomach.

"I love you...but this morning sickness sucks ass." I whisper tearfully to my baby and take a shuddering breath, gently rubbing my stomach and fumble for the Gatorade I have in my goody bag, along with some saltines. And funnily enough the Gatorade is straw-berry flavored, I mean I've always like strawberries sure.... but since I found out I'm pregnant, I fucking LOVE them. Which is super, super weird...but if it's what my baby wants. Finally, the nausea passes and I decide to maybe join the guys and I bring my diary...but not before re-doing my make-up to hide my paleness and I head for my favorite spot and curl up on the couch and oh yeah, I have a blanket I wrap up in to try and hide my stomach...which makes me feel SO guilty and I start writing....but not my thoughts...but songs....amazingly no one disturbs me while I pour my heart out, into two separate songs....that I call, "November Rain." (Totally not November, but it fits) and "I used to Love her." so obvious they are really both about Mick.

"Whatcha writing their pop-corn?" Slash who has apparently torn himself away from Nikki plops down beside me....and.... never mind Nikki comes to join his boyfriend on the couch and it brings tears to my eyes to see how loving they are with one another. And then Tommy Lee pops up and sits crossed-legged in the floor...I roll my eyes, internally.

"I dunno...lyrics. I never have really been very good at it......well I just felt like it." I whisper quietly.

"Man, give your self-credit. I've head that you have helped write songs." Nikki smiles encouragingly. And I manage a smile back.

"Look...please don't bust my balls, but it's written in my diary.... this is my diary.... if I show you what I've written song wise...PLEASE no peaking at anything else!" My tone desperate.

They reassure me and I trust them, and they read my lyrics and their eyes go wide, looking at me with shock and I burst into tears.

"Whoa-whoa, hey dude.... don't cry! Didn't mean to upset you!" Tommy frantically tries to calm me down and this draws attention...unwanted attention. Including Mick's gaze.... which I ignore. Tommy gives me a hug and I sniffle...feeling a bit better.

"The songs they're about Mick, aren't they? One about anger, and the other heart break and hope it looks like. They are good, songs.... you poured all your emotions in them. Fucking hate that...that you feel like that though." Nikki says sadly.

"Wanna show Axl?" Slash asks hesitantly.

"Fine I guess." I shrug...and Axl comes over and is shown what I've written and fishes for some paper and copies my lyrics, my diary back safe and sound.

"These can go on our next album...I think...but Jesus, Steven I'm worried about you...these lyrics.... i mean. Maybe you should talk to him?" and I snap back with....

"Why does everyone keep telling me that?! I don't want to talk to him or about it anymore. Not now."

"Steven man.... it's ok. He means well." Slash tells me.

"SORRY!" I wail, unable to help myself and Tommy ever the hugger hugs me again and Mick...Mick scowls at the scene...that's it!!!! And great, I feel exhausted and nauseous again!

"Um guys? Sorry for snapping.... just going thru a lot. And.... i need to rest as I can...but first...." I get up, my blanket wrapped around me, my diary in hand and stand in front of Mick.... who drops his gaze and I let him have it.... "What did I tell you?!!! Leave me alone! I fucking told you.... i saw you glaring at Tommy, leave him alone...leave him out of this. Fucking asshole! Please, don't tell me your jealous?! No...no I don't believe it.... you don't feel a thing for me!"

The bus is now eerily silent...and I realize...I'm making a scene and my baby! Oh, my baby! I take deep calming breathes and say much more quietly but my jaw is dropped for Mick his eyes are sad as they meet mine and maybe his face, but still, I see red and feel the heart ache...., "You have NO RIGHT to be jealous! None, Izzy and tommy are together! You're ashamed of me, you have been since we've met. And....and you don't know how much it hurts.... I wanted to be a couple, a true couple...so damn bad, part of me still wants it.... you'd told me you didn't know what to say earlier, you'd said you'd try for me...you LIED. Yet, for some reason.... you still have my heart, you'll always have it...what's left of it anyway, at least it feels like it." I start shaking.... trying like hell not to puke. "Mick Mars, I want...no need you to do me a favor. LEAVE ME ALONE. No more glaring, no more jealousy...but I still love you...I will always love you. And until you can find your balls and apologize to me and make things right.... stay away from me!" I turn to walk away and ignore the sounds of him calling my name and head for my bunk and...never mind...nope, now I am dizzy and am stumbling to my bunk and by some miracle I manage to make it, and shut my eyes....and silence, nothing but silence.

Why? Why did he call my name? why? Why did he look sad? Wait...he looked sad? Maybe, just maybe the guys have a point. He does get jealous, and too...he looked so sad...but again, the walls crumble but they don't fall. But too, I told him if he found his balls, to apologize to me and make things right...we will see...suddenly, I am getting the strangest feeling...I am now rubbing my rounded stomach, as if drawing strength....

"I'm sorry, my little precious baby. For hiding you. For being upset with daddy, but he needs to see. He needs to see, but he did look sad when I was yelling at him...and I have the strangest feeling that...maybe it's hope and too, that it may take a few months but maybe it will work out in the end. I hope...I hope." I whisper to my rounded belly softly and I start to drift off to sleep...when I hear the door open. I shift and turn over carefully, facing the wall if you will and I swear I hear a voice say, and I am so sleepy I have no clue to whom it belongs

"Give me time to find the words..." huh? Who is this?

I finally fall back asleep and know, no more. And thankfully my sleep is dreamless.

A/N: Steven writing songs inspired by Mick, everyone is worried.... Mick is sad? Or looked sad? Doubts, trust issues and there at the end..., "Give me time to find the words" hmm.... what could that mean? Walls still crumble, maybe a bit more...but haven't fallen, but in time they will.