Appetite for Mars: A Steven Adler X Mick Mars Tale

Chapter 18: 2 months and Illness

A/N: The 2-month mark has been reached, poor steven still struggling with morning sickness, Mick, touring.... now on with the show!

Ok, so now I'm like 2 months pregnant and God, my stomach is huge! I guess it's just a big baby, but it scares me.... because I don't know how much longer I can hide this. It's like I look a little further along than I am, but due to my morning sickness.... I'm pretty sure, that i may NOT be as big as I am supposed to be somehow. My face is a lot thinner, and between my baby, Mick and touring.... i am so fucking overwhelmed mentally and physically. The nightmares, still come but less than they did before, so I guess that's good.... but a new dream has come, the one where I hear that familiar voice, yet I can't place it whisper, "Give me time to find the words." That has now become a repeat as well. So, yay for me? Nah, the voice gives me hope...I Feel it's all I have.

Currently, I just got off stage and am in my dressing room alone...laying on the couch, I just had cleaned off and changed clothes, making sure my stomach is hidden as it can be with my  baggy clothing. It still makes me feel ashamed and guilty, that I am hiding my baby....it HURTS. I'm sick of hiding, the make-up I wear, and I'm sick of...this tour, and I find myself missing Mick. I am so exhausted, and I just finished a 10-minute puking session and am now downing Gatorade and munching on crackers and snacks from my goody bag and I try so damn hard to keep hydrated and try too, to make some healthy choices for my baby.... but I can't relax, there's no damn way. I have taken a shower, so there's that.

By the way, I fucking hate puking!! I throw up several times a day, it's a good day when I only puke twice in a day, granted those sessions last awhile. So yeah...anyway, I think I may try to head back to the hotel soon...but I feel SO weak, so tired.

I bring my hands down to my more rounded belly and rub it gently, whispering to my unborn child, "I really hope your doing ok in there. I am trying sweetheart so hard to take care of you.... but all this stress, daddy.... oh daddy. Daddy and I haven't talked since I last yelled at him, but things...I've noticed he's still always there, watching me.... but strangely, he's stopped scowling and showing that he's jealous, like when I hug your uncles...he just looks sad...so sad. I guess I haven't really told you about him. His name is Mick Mars, he's taller than me. And his eyes are an icy blue...with a ring of grey...they're beautiful...so beautiful. His hair is like super long....and black, like a raven's wing. And...and I'm not so angry anymore. But still I am SO hurt.... yet I still love him. And I want us to maybe be a family, but I want him to come to me."

I feel like shit but rouse myself and gather my stuff and head out...back to my room at the hotel, stopping for some food somewhere...that I hope to keep down. The guys are all watching their boyfriends on stage.....and I am alone, again...

I manage to keep my food down, once back at the hotel.... but I start feeling dizzy and lay back against the pillows on my bed and groan, closing my eyes.

"Please...please make it stop." MY voice weak and filled with tears, the tears start spilling down my face, I can feel them. It takes a bit, but my spell passes when a thought suddenly pops into my head, unbidden: I know it's too much stress on me right now, but why am I suddenly thinking that if I were with Mick that It'd be like a cure almost for my morning sickness? I sure the hell would feel a lot less stress, I think.... but here's another thought, we have a break coming up sometime next month....and I don't know what will happen, but I don't want to be alone in the house I share with my bandmates, especially with squeezy. So, I have nowhere to go...but that spark of hope.... i wonder if I may have somewhere to go after all? We will see...

"Ok, so now what do I wanna do? Any ideas?" I rub my stomach and wait for a reply.... there is none, but I feel my baby...not moving yet...but I swear I feel the heart. Suddenly I am hit with a craving for strawberries and jerky, so I carefully slide out of bed...rummage around in my goody bag, find the jerky and open the mini fridge where I grab a pint of fresh strawberries.... i carefully sit back up in bed and stuff myself with my cravings and I sigh with satisfaction. I soon finish the whole pint of strawberries and the bag of jerky, but it's not enough...I'm still too thin, fucking stress, fucking hiding everything.... What to do now? ah-ha...my diary! I'm going to write...I grab said diary from the bag and begin to write:

So, I can't keep anything down, really.... not as much as I need to. God knows, I'm trying. Like I told my baby, Mick has stopped getting jealous, but looks sad. And I feel that I mean leaning a little more towards hope.... not so angry anymore, well maybe if I talked to Mick...I'd get angry at him, that may not be...well, it may be inevitable...we will see. And too, I don't know. How much more of everything I can take.... mentally, still overwhelmed, and conflicted...but the conflicts have changed and then not, if that makes any sense at all. I want mick to come to me...I do...but maybe...I wonder if I should go to him? I just feel like I need more time. This conflicted shit though is getting old, hell it is old already. My morning sickness will continue, and my baby is huge already! I hate morning sickness so damn bad, just really need a break. Weird, I told my baby that maybe...if things worked out or work out, I may not be lonely when we get a two-week tour break next month. I don't know where the hell I'd go otherwise, I am sure that the guys will stay with their boyfriends and God knows, I DO NOT, REPEAT DO NOT want to be stuck in the house with squeezy. To be honest I tolerate squeezy. But I know how much squeezy means to Slash. I'd love to have a dog, maybe a puppy or.... maybe a fish aquarium and I'd give the fish names like: Sir Lancelot, George, Pete, Fishy...yes fishy, and goldy...bugs bunny and more...ok, so that was random I know. I hope, I won't have to raise my baby alone.... we will see....and suddenly it occurs to me, I don't even have names picked out...I mean I have time, I guess. Will have to think on them, seems I have a lot to think about. I am so exhausted right now...but I can't sleep...I will try...maybe tonight I will get some air.... i will probably need it, I need it now, I need it now.

A/N: Diary entry, struggles.... thoughts and Mick not jealous anymore? But sad? Will steven end up coming to Mick? Will someone, a surprising someone realize steven is pregnant? It won't be mick I can tell you...not yet...next chapter, will see steven getting air...with Nikki Sixx and discovering Sixx's secret...and too Slash may enter the scene...stay tuned!