Dawn | Bucky Barnes ✔️

10. Emotions

W I D O W   S E V E N T E E N

The next day I wake up from my sleep with the sun shining through the blends, blinding my eyes as they flutter open. I grunt out silently, rolling over on to my stomach away from the sunlight trying to get back over to sleep but even with all the years of waking up at half five in the morning, I know I won't be able to get over to asleep again.

I decided to just roll out of bed, going to take a shower to waste time while it's still early. Spending sometime in the shower before drying myself off and got changed into some Nike shorts and a sports bra with a white tank top over it to do some training this morning. Half way through about to do my hair in a basic ponytail I decided to just braid my hair into two Dutch plaits for the day as a small change.

Spending a good hour on shower and my braid, I hear the door close from outside beaconing me that Steve must be up due to him being the closest near my bed room.

I brush my teeth, putting on some face wash before rinsing it away. Heading back into my bedroom, cleaning it up before sliding my running shoes on. Grabbing my phone and a pocket knife to slide into my shoes just in case - what? I'm still an deadly black widow assassin and I do have enemies so I need to be prepared.

This bitch think she's breaking the fourth wall.

I do no such thing, shut up subconscious.

Stepping out of my room closing it behind me before heading down to the lounge, seeing Steve, Natasha and Tony all up chatting drinking some tea or coffee. Natasha sees me first giving me a smile and a soft good morning, I reply it back but without the smile.

Tony grunted a good morning sipping is coffee, Steve fondly rolls his eyes before pulling me into a side hug which I lean into. I lean away, walking towards Tony's end of the counter facing his back grabbing the jug filled with coffee filling it up in a medium cup.

I turned around before leaving the room towards the lounge area, sitting down on the couch turning the tv on. My thumb presses on the tv remote, flicking through the channels stopping every few seconds to watch before switching again until I stop upon a movie with a woman with a golden whip that can burn someone if you don't tell the truth.

My eyes skim at the scenes in front of me intrigued, she's pretty. I sip the coffee trying not to swoon on the fictional Wonder Woman on tv, since I've been here I've been watching loads of movies, tv shows and even books and I can say that I feel like a hoe for falling for all these fictional women and men.

It should be a crime to make the hero's hot but I'm a sucker for the misunderstood villains.

The seat near me startled's me, darting my eyes away from the tv to see a flock of hero blonde hair. "Sup hero hair." I spoke with a small smirk as he shakes his head.

"Sup midget." he retorted easily, ruffling my hair as I swat his hand away with a playful glare. He looks down at my outfit raising a brow, "Doing training again?" He questioned as I hummed. "You know you don't have to do it all the time anymore. Other than having a conversation with me, getting some food and sleep. I always see you training." he explained, side eyeing me while talking but his face is still on the tv.

I pounded his question in my head over and over again, my whole life I've been doing nothing but train, kill, eat, sleep, repeat for the last god knows how many years. Even with being gone from the red room I still feel like I am there - not physically but mentally.

My head is corrupted. My head is tormented by the horror's that I had witnessed. No child, should have to see what I had seen; all of us, the black widows.

Everything is drilled into me, it's all my mind knows. I don't know how to be a normal person but the more I try every single day with these people I live with now. I don't fit in. I don't think I'll ever will. I'm an assassin, a murderer.

I cant live this normal life, pretending that I am okay every single day even when I'm not. I feel empty. Just like my room colour, it represents me. White because I'm lost; empty.

What if my new colour is white because my soul is empty?

White is the new black and red.

White is a change for me as I feel like if I show any other colours such as yellow for example it would seem that I am happy, lively, filled with warmth and sunshine; normal. The sun shining on me but I feel like the moon.

I turn to look outside the sunrise fully up, the city lights finally off from the late dark night. My face is small and soft for once in my life I put emotion in my next words.

"Training is the only thing I have been doing all of my life." I started, my hand at my side rolling into a fist clenching and unclenching it. "It's all I know..." I sighed looking over to Steve whose been staring at me the whole time. "All that I will ever know."

"But it doesn't have to be that way. It will take time, a while ago I was in your position. I didn't know what it felt like waking up again to find out that there is no war, everything has changed. Culture and cities have changed. I was scared. It took awhile but in the end, I have met people to call family.

"They showed me the worlds doings and I'm surviving so far. I'm trying still, it's still hard but I got them idiots by my side." Steve assured me placing an comforting hand on my shoulder with a small smile before he turns back to the tv as if what just happened a moment prior never happened at all.

But it did.

My mind swoon over his reassuring words, words that I don't want to believe - no I won't believe as moving on couldn't be that easy but if Steve said that he can then maybe I can try. I will try not only for myself but Natasha as well, as she at least deserves to see her supposed non related sister again.

I'll try to remember and I'll try to be normal. I have time now, I'm gone from them. I can be a new me and I'll start from there. I have already started getting into reading since I've came here so I'll start small with hobbies then possibly bonding.

But only time can tell what my future holds for me and I'll be damned if I let my demons that live beneath my skin taunt me even though I know that I can win - and I will if I only put in the effort.

That doesn't stop me from not showing emotion though, that will take time to get used to people - Steve is an exception and maybe Natasha a little bit. I'm still petty about being tortured for years for not even knowing the damn woman- Crazy red head.

******

I'm backkk, whoop and let me just say I have split my hand and I slipped on the wooden wet steps and bruised my ankle but Coolio I'm fine haha. How the hell am I a waitness at a bar, surprised I haven't fell with a stack of glasses

Good morning or night buckaroo's angels <3

EDITED