Dawn | Bucky Barnes ✔️

9. Nightmares

Hehe couldn't help myself, enjoy <3

W I D O W S E V E N T E E N
Same day/night

Here's the thing: Nightmares. Scary son of bitches, right? The freaky thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your own mind but the severe nightmares is what happened to you in real life. The memory or the nightmare would morph into something horrifying that you can't tell if you are living it or that your dreaming it but nightmares are dreams too.

The worst nightmare I've ever witness is when you experience the tragic nightmare with your eyes wide awake.

All my life (or what I know off at least since I was thirteen) I would hide away this emotion. I would pretend that everything is okay when truly its not. I would go about my day with a smile on my face, i didn't show people that i was hurting in the inside when honestly i was hurting badly- of course I would hide it. All of my sisters were to hide their emotions and to fight on anger.

I've lived for the past thirteen years or more since before the amnesia with this pain and morose inside of me. I watched countless lives be taken right before my eyes, loads even in the hands of my guns but only one and half due to unaliving that guard by my own hands. I watch in distinguish horror of someone being tortured second hand and even by my own. I felt and endured that pain of my abuse throughout the years.

I watch from the sidelines as my sisters, the widows get tortured like I do but for some reason I get worse. I don't know what makes me any less different than any of the other widows.

The worst thing about nightmares is that you thought you have control over your own mind. Of all the other things you chose in your life, you don't really get to choose what your nightmares are, even if you even tried. You don't pick them, they pick you and that's the underlying meaning that your body has no control over what they want.

I thought we had our own choice over our body?

Our mind is corrupted but its the most powerful organ in our body that helps us send signals to our body parts to voluntary move on our own but when were asleep are mind has a way of its own.

I am still trying to understand why the universe would grasp the people with the most awareness have the greatest nightmares.

Probably because i witness a nightmare before I  even fully knew what a nightmare was - except the monster underneath the bed or in the closet. But really you have to live day in and out that you must live with the knowledgement that your own mind is working against you in your times of vulnerability even in sleep, the nightmares in your head are frighten for the very same reason I am, everyone believes they should not be there in the first place.

They aren't real. They shouldn't be.

Nightmares Dreykov had once said to me that it comes from the eyes some years ago and would always bring it up as he knows about my nightmares but doesn't care, he just wants me to endure it. You see the nightmare, when you sleep your mind corrupts what you see and turn it into something more sinister. I have watched loads of my killings and abuse being created and mended into different situations in my mind because of what it brings to you.

My mind and everyone else's is a murderous adversary, an enemy under your own skin and nothing is quite so terrifying.

So within my brown dark eyes I have witnessed and felt such severe discomfort. Never in my life did I ever imagine that I would grow up into this sort of life I live in and will continue to live in until I am in my death bed. I may be gone from Dreykov but he carved his possession on to my body and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Never have i dealt with anything more difficult and torment in my life than my own soul - I will never escape my own mind it's there tormenting me 24/7. My very own inflicted nightmares of what happened as a child (possibly even worse if I ever get my memories back) but this is way worse - worse throbbing pain I've been through even i can't believe me being scared of my own corrupted mind is worse than being tortured.

The thought of that makes a twinge in my heart for ever thinking like that but wouldn't anyone in my situation? Believe this torture of the mind is worse than torture because you have to live with this nightmare all the time even long after being taking away for a few days with the pain it's still there.

Will I ever be free from my mind?

But I just have to keep the positivity in my mind that I will make it through this wicked mind of mine. That I have to hold on, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that i would hopefully one day be saved.

Because one day very closely soon, the nightmares of Zahra and a certain winter soldier's past and present will be gone and the 'if' in Life is what they are holding on to just as Hell is in Hello. Both words different but similar when 'Hello' to the world while 'If' they ever be free of this torture.

Never ending cycle of nightmares that not only Zahra and Bucky but everyone being tormented by the allurement of darkness, even the purest of hearts go through the dorment.

Living with the nightmare is worse than the mind, only those who intend to bypass the nightmare in the mind is when they know that the darkness in their life is existing and is closing in.

Trust in yourself that you will get past the nightmares, you have people to help you and is looking out for you - that is what Zahra and Bucky are holding on to.

While I look out from under my covers of the small gap I see within the blends I look at the moon and the now darkness outside, i hold on to that light. That i can make it and that i won't crawl into the darkness, fall back into the lightness that i know all to well as that can be the path that reaches me back on to my lifeline.

******

If confused this chapter is still connected on to the other previous chapter when Zahra goes to sleep but the chapter seemed long for me so I placed it on a new one :)

Hope you enjoy buckaroos angels <3

EDITED