Dawn | Bucky Barnes ✔️

3. Powerful emotions

W I D O W   S E V E N T E E N

  I encircle my arms tightly around my knees, my eyes stare lazily out the aircraft. My head leaning against the cool metal barrier, watching as the rain drops race down the window. I'm covered up in a blanket from Steve and Tony's request, where they got the blanket I couldn't tell you but ever since we've came back from the mission a wee bit ago.

Steve had informed Tony about the bruise around my neck but they haven't noticed the bruising on my wrists from that blue streak male. Our conversation plays about in my head, his emotions swirling around in his eyes that I feel almost I can relate to him. I do relate to him.

I never realise how many people in this world is a science experiment. How many people got ripped away from their homes at a young age or in Winter's case taken from his station back in the forties. That you never actually got to experience how to be truly human? In some people before they got experimented on maybe but me and possible that blue streak dude and his sister, may be on the same boat as me.

They remember their old life but me I'm still trying to figure that one out. The coordinates that Fury had given me a few months back stays safely in my diary back at the Stark compound. I want to go to them coordinates but if I do I feel like something may change and I don't like change but it can be the answer to my question that I've been thinking all these years.

Who was I before the red room? I don't think I could be that Zahra everyone calls me ever again. I feel that old possibly happy, preppy, ball of sunshine Zahra again. But not knowing who I was before scares me.

Asking myself more questions if I had a good childhood? Did I have a parents that loved me? Did I have any siblings? Did I have a pet? A dog maybe, I want of those yorkies. Or was I always grown up to be an assassin? Was I trained mentally until they accidentally did something wrong and broke me?

Loads of questions that is left unanswered but that short memory of Nick Fury and I still haunts me. I want to ask him who he was to me. But finding out might hurt more than not actually knowing.

It will be worst, I get to see him tonight at the stark compound for one of Starks small parties but I don't think I have the courage to confront him. Like what could I say, hey I had a dream about you with a young version and a more younger version of you, are you the problem with my daddy issues? Fuck no can't say that shit.

If I ever did then I would question myself, my anxiety wrecking me from the inside telling me that he had sent me away for a reason. But I want to know what happened to me. See I am literally a walking and breathing paradox of wanting to be happy but I'm backing away from actually confronting the happiness because I'm fucking scared shitless.

I know there is something going on, I know there is. I feel like the team knows and they aren't telling me. I know I've  been here a year but I thought they would've told me the truth of who I am. Or maybe that's the narcissistic in me wanting attention and feeling the inflated idea of my self importance.

But most of all I am scared that they only want me because I'm a comedic, being the side character in the background while they get the fame.

My eyes glance up to see them all laughing amongst each other, smiles on their faces as if they knew each other for years. All their eyes crinkle at the sides while I sit here, feeling sorry for myself.

I'm not even making the effort of going to them so why am I being like this?

I'm pitying myself because I can't give them the love and happiness even though I try to hide it but after today. I don't think I can hide it anymore, I can't hide these feelings inside of me. It's not good for me nor anybody.