Dawn | Bucky Barnes ✔️

4. Reasoning

Z A H R A   J E N K I N S

I've been here for days with no visits from anyone, only the occasional Shield agent coming in, to give me my food for the day. My heart clenches at the thought that the avengers believe that ive gone rogue, im even more angry at myself at the thought that ive lost Bucky even though with that last look he had given me. He still looked worried and concerned for me.

But then i saw the quick looks towards the other avengers and saw confusion, disgust but then again concern towards me. I feel like I've let them down for these dark urges that ive kept down for most of my life.

Everything that has gotten to me has now consumed me, the nightmares increasing every night and it shames me that the avengers could be watching and hearing the screams from my nightmares every night. I just hope they don't see the scars or the brusing when the shields work out gear lifts up during the night. But a part of me feels like they've seen and the other part of me feels like yeah they should see them.

Even though ive been here for two years, and haven't really opened up. No one here really did care to ask what my life was like, but thats selfish and kind of hypocritical to think that, as none of them have done the same either.

So i try to push that thought to the back of my head, I don't deserve to feel like the victim in this case. I deserve to get this rejection from them, i didn't seek them out for when I needed help. Even though i don't regret anything, i am however feel a sense of embarassment and shame in me from not admitting what i have been doing for months, years. I could have gone to any of them for help, to stop this diserable dark urges inside of me but i didn't and now i am paying for the result of it all.

Footsteps snap me out of my pity fest, my head lifts up from the pillow, my eyes fluttering open as i see a figure slip into the room. Their footsteps are soft but i could hear them faintly the further they walk in, they cross the bridge barrier, standing close to the glass window screen.

I sit myself upwards in a haste when i make contact with Bucky staring at me, something inside of me like hope builts up at the thought of him being here to see me. I push myself to my feet as i walk closer to him, the glass window seperating us. I glance down towards his hands to see my insulin box and a jar of my red suckers, he simply glances away from me, pressing a button on the panel as the doors slide open.

I step back, away from him when all i really want to do is run away or even into his arms but he looks tense, my hope deflating that he hates me, finding me disgusting at what i have done but I see none of that when he simply walks in leaving the doors open. A part of me feels a sense of hope again, that he is trusting in me not to run away and when now that the doors are open that can easily teleport away but i don't.

"James." I whispered, watching as he walks past me, placing the items on to the bed. When he does, he stands up straight not turning around towards me, just stands there. "Winter."

Bucky flinches, causing my heart to break.

"Do you hate me?" I said a few moments later.

Bucky stills before turning around, his eyes landing on mine, probably tired and lifeless ones. He steps closer towards me, his steps short before standing near me. He lets out a breath, inches in between us. "I could never hate you, love." He whispers softly, his hand coming up towards my cheek to stroke it fondly, i lean into the touch.

"But you're disgusted." I said the word i know that he feels right now.

He shook his head, "No, just confused on why you did it. But i do feel like i know deep down on why you did it in the first place." He admits in a soft tone.