Dawn | Bucky Barnes ✔️

35. Grieving**

Trigger warning: Panic attack, attempted overdose!

Z A H R A J E N K I N S

Oh god no please no.

Please.

"No—" I whined out with my eyes punching shut, grabbing the back of my neck with both hands for a grip. I gasp out for air, jolting forward into my bedroom, I feel so lightheaded, cold sweat coating almost of my body as I rammed the back of my skull on to the wooden door behind me twice. "Please not now, I'm supposed to be happy now." I landed out in what sounded like utter pain.

I watched as all my traumas coming floating back into me, everything that has happened to me. It's been a month since I last had one of these and a month since I've started staying with my brother full time, moving out of that dainty apartment when Zayn says it was not sanitary enough for me to stay and in a bad neighbourhood.

My hands shake, tears bricking my eyes when I really realise that nothing has made me feel better. I still feel his hands on me, I can't take the pain and nightmares anymore. Technically it is my fault for adding the perfect boyfriend to my plan to escape but at the time I felt like it was the best idea to get out.

Now I regret, physically giving my consent away to another vile man just so I could escape but at least he is dead right?

I pushed myself off the door, and stumbled over towards the bathroom, as my heart raced like a train, traumatising thoughts and feels coming back into me like a force.

I flicker the bathroom lights on, stumbling towards the bathroom sink, placing my hands on the granite tiles as I shake. I lean my head down, my legs jittering as I try not to collapse. I need to sit but I don't think I could make it over there. My hands lift up from the granite, fingers now pulling my sweaty curly hair at the back of my head.

I start to feel this uncontrollable and uncomfortable heat to flash right up my legs and arms. My chest burning with rage, anger, sadness, pain, almost like all of it is clashing together until it wants to spontaneously combust from the built up pressure, lungs shallow as I gasp for air.

If I end this all right now, will I finally be free from this torture?

More thoughts slip into my mind that I have tried so hard to push to the very back of my head, it comes rallying through my mind like a rollercoaster. I started to feel physical pain from the past, the guilt, the scent, the notices, all forms of what had happened to me. It is as if I am going through it again.

Thankfully no one is home during this episode, which gives me the chance to swipe my hands out in anger and mad everything on the granite surface to fall on the ground or just tipped over on the granite. I started to sob loudly, my legs finally giving out as I drop to my knees, shifting myself to lean against the bath tub behind me.

I curl into myself, resting the side of my face on to my knees. My fingertips still continue to shake, panic crawling all the way up my chest. I grabbed at my chest, a futile attempt to calm my racing heart but it doesn't help whatsoever. But then it worsen. I grasp for my chest more frantically now, tears leaking from out of my eyes.

"Breathe Zahra, come on Zahra breath." I gasp out, trying to talk myself through this but it's hard when your chest feels like it's closing in on you. "S-stop this." I whispered, my self control out of my system as I felt my body move towards the bathroom cupboard underneath the sink.

My hands shake as I open the cupboard, my eyes crazily looking at the pills that I've hidden in here for the past month. My twitchy fingertips clasp around sleeping pill bottle, I move back towards the bath tub, leaning against it. I stare down at the pill bottle, I don't know for how long I stare at it before i pour out a good bunch of pills.