Dawn | Bucky Barnes ✔️

50. Afriad of Old Pain

Z A H R A J E N K I N S

My legs dangle off the balcony, showing the high drop from the lounge floor to the city below me. I shouldn't be sitting here like this but I guess I've been through the process of death many times that I am not feared by the fall below me. But even if I did fall, I could just teleport myself off to a clear quiet landing somewhere.

A cancer stick is placed between my lips, my two fingers holding it up as I stare around the open sky with an easy exhale. My free hand curves over the stone wall, digging my fingertips into the marble stone, tapping them to an melody humming inside my head. I pull the stick out of my mouth, holding the toxicity inside of my lungs before breathing outwards as I watch the fumes engulf the air.

I momentarily pinch my eyes close at just allowing this moment of peace to fulfil me. James and Steve are away out to do something, what it is, I have no clue but he said he wouldn't be long. Everyone else is off doing their own things, I didn't want to join them even when some of them asked if I wanted to go out to get some air. I just said I get air inside and I can just sit out on the balcony to read - or in my case smoke.

Natasha and Pepper are trying to stop me from smoking, it's easy to start it but hard to stop doing it. It's the actual drug keeping me alive than my human drug like James also keeping me alive. I wanted to stop but I can't, James is my life support but I can't get off this cancerous stick. I don't think I could ever, either if I did try again but I know James and Natasha are persistent about me stopping so I guess I will just have to try.

When I first step foot out onto this balcony, my intentions with solemnly to read my book but it's left untouched on the summer seats behind me and my body just like a robot reached into my back pocket and pulled out the red small box. It's like instinct grabbing the sticks, showing the lack of control I have for myself when I abuse this addictive drug. 

"I thought Natasha got you to quit smoking." I hear my dad say from behind me.

At his words I turned my head from the sky and towards the male. "How did you know about that?"

He steps further from the lounge double doors to we're I am seated, his eyes flickering towards the drop below with nerves and worry for my safety. "I overhead her concern towards Bucky."

"Oh." I mumbled, exhaling another hit from the stick. "That's why I'm out here doing it, where she can't see me." I exclaimed before turning my head back up to look at the clouds, a small smile lifting the corners of my lips as I spot one that I thought looked like an elephant.

"Why are you doing it?" Dad questioned, leaning his elbows on the marble stone wall that I'm placed upon.

"It's none of your business." I stated, hands tensing incredibly hard around the edge of the stone wall. At my comment, I turned my head towards my dad to see his face fall at my unthought comment. "Sorry I didn't mean that. I-I just have a lot on my mind." I apologised, flickering the cig near the edge of the drop.

"It's okay." He whispered, not looking at me but still up at the sky. He wets his lips, "Remember when you were younger, me, you, mother and Zayn would sit outside in the evening staring up at the sky to search for cloud shapes and continue to lay there until the sun settled and the stars were up?"

I hummed with a small sad smile. "I miss her." I mumbled softly.

"When you gave me them coordinates years ago, did you know Zayn was alive?" I questioned, chewing the inside of my cheek.