Dawn | Bucky Barnes ✔️

13. Notebook

W I D O W   S E V E N T E E N

I've never been afraid of dying, in this life of mine it's life or death. There's no way out other than making the deal with the devil but that's never going to happen until I get there and sharing our deepest desires with him. I always thought that I would be dead by the time I would be eighteen but here I am twenty three and still unfortunately breathing.

The answer to that is because Dreykov wants me alive for something I do not know for, which means that I'm still alive and Dreykov is still alive and is currently not six feet under from whipping me with his belt right now from doing a mission wrong which for a fact that isn't my fault but being a leader for my assigned unit of widows I had to take the fall for my comrades recklessness.

I don't regret taking the fall but if I had known it would be the whipping yeah no thank you I already have shit tone of scars from them on my stomach and back, which Dreykov is currently working on now. I do like the pain though i feel like I can feel again and not this numbness inside me. It's fucked up I know.

Tears. Sweat. Pain.

That's all I feel but I won't cry, I won't give him the satisfaction that he has broken me from despair but who am I kidding I hadn't felt pain in years. What else could any one do to me that they haven't all ready done.

A monster is just a human in disguise.

I think back to all the times I ever got whipped by Dreykov's cruel but apparently toughen up methods. Since I've came here he always told me and the widows that 'A Black widow doesn't cry'. Years go through with the same with him constantly repeating the words to us, 'A Black Widow doesn't cry', obviously I couldn't deny him of course I replied with no emotion, 'I know father'.

Now, when I hear the laughter of Dreykov mates minus the widow I'm sticking up for who has her head down low. Every slash, every whip, every count, I won't cry. I will never show my pain.

"She's not...?" I heard one of Dreykov's mates speak out as the room went quiet with just the belt whipping from my back as I clench and unclench my jaw, rolling my lip into my teeth sucking hard making a bruise to form.

"Crying?" Another voice questioned out.

"How are you not crying, my child?" Dreykov smirks knowing fully well but nevertheless displays a fake frown as he lifts my head with a tight grip of my hair in his hands as my lips twitch into a small smirk as my eyes darken just like Dreykov.

"Cos Black Widows don't cry" I grinned back at him, proudly revealing my smeared bloody white teeth, showing of the ruby blood substance on it. "isn't that what you always taught me, Father dearest" I snarled taunting him with the energy I have left. Dreykov's eyes seemed to darken under my taunting glare not backing down as he moves back behind me as I lick my lips from the dried up blood.

WHISH.

I snapped out of bed, my hands reaching towards my back as unevened pants leave my mouth. Tears run down my tanned cheeks, tasting the salty texture against my tongue. My hands fall numb down by my side as I stare off into the blank white wall in front of me. I feel like I am in a trance, flashbacks of what I have been through move between my eyes like a movie on a screen.

I want to get rid of these demons that cling on tightly inside of me so they can torment me and corrupt me forever. But at the same time I don't want them to leave, because they were holding me when nobody else did.

My hand curls into a fist between the sheets, gripping tightly with my chest heaving up and down. Since the incident last week, the nightmares have been worse since I let part of my anger out on this so called Groots family.