"Tell me something I don't know." He whispers.
"I'm in love with you."
His lips tipped upwards, his eyes casting down upon mine. "Already know that." He whispers, his hand reaching up towards me as he softly brushed his thumb upon my cheek.
"Oh y...
"How are you today, Seventeen?" Raynor asked, setting her book on her lap as she stares softly at me.
"Better" I smiled and it's the truth. I do feel better, if you take away the nightmares at nighttime then I'm fine. Winter has helped me a lot, I have helped him. We both are getting there, Winter a lot more than me but he's opened up more. More than he did two years ago.
"So I assume the book is working?"
"The book?" I asked confused.
"Yes..? The book I've given you couple months ago to write down your own feelings" She exclaimed, eyes narrowing in on me as I snapped my fingers together.
The book I thrown off the stark building. Good times.
"Ah that book, yes it's truly very helpful"
"You threw it away when you wrote couple paragraphs, didn't you?" She raised a brow, I shook my head with a dramatic gasp.
"What kind of person do you see me as? I would never-okay fine I did, sue me" I huffed, slouching in my seat. My eye aimlessly, going around her room. To much green, grey and blue, needs more pictures.
Okay back to the topic. Jesus what the fuck was that.
Raynor lets out a small amused laugh. "Why doesn't that not surprise me"
"It should've" I grinned.
I watch as her facial expression shifts, her eyes softening at the edges from laughing which caused small wrinkles at the creases. Raynor moves forward, her eyes watching me. "You know you've been here for months and you haven't brought up your parents or your twin brother, I've given you time but I think it's time for you to talk about them"
"You can't make me do that" I narrowed my eyes on her, suddenly feeling jittery and anxious. My palms begin to swear as I wipe them on my leggings, my eyes glance at her calm form.
"I know I can't but I know deep down you want to tell someone about them"
"I've already told someone" I muttered, my leg bouncing up and down.
"Hmm? Who?"
"...Crush"
"Who?"
"My...uh..." I cleared my throat. "My bat"
"You told your bat about your family, Seventeen that doesn't even count" Raynor gaped, her pen dapping against the note pad.
"Why should I tell people about my fucked up childhood?"
"Okay then, change of topic." She finally says as I relax a bit, just a tiny bit because I know more is coming but that doesn't stop me from saying.
"Thank you" I sighed.
"How about the Redroom, did it change you?" She suddenly springs up, my eyes fly to hers in seconds. My mind giving me flashbacks of the redroom, the tears and sweat I endured while I was in there. Mostly pain.
"Wha- why do you want to know?"
"Stop deflecting, Seventeen. Answer the question."
"Okay, fine. Yes I guess it did." I said, my eyes darting everywhere. Not wanting to connect with the challenging eyes of Ms Raynor. I wet my dry lips as I spoke. "Yeah, it does or did I guess?" I admitted, looking down at my hands where a vision shows of my blood or someone's smeared on them. I look away, wiping away the imaginary stains.
"It's, um, making me into someone I don't want to be" I said, my hand going up around my neck to play with Winters dog tags.
Makes me into Dreykov, that unnamed soldier that tortured me, makes me into a killer.
"Why did you make me admit that?" I asked, my mood dropping by the second.
"To show you that you can fight your inner demons, I got you to express an emotion that I never gotten from you before" She exclaimed, tilting her head with a small grin.
"And that is?"
"Honesty"
"I-I have been honest"
"You haven't and you know it. Your making yourself feel better but your not fully letting yourself heal. There's something holding you back and I feel like you know what it is but you don't want it..." she paused to let the words sink in, my brows knit together as I willed myself to not fall for this absurd words.
"You feel like if you do let it go you'll feel like nothing, that you don't know who you are anymore because your so used to being treated differently." She said, clicking her tongue.
"Yo- you have no idea what I want" I muttered, my hand fiddling with the dog tag. I wet my lips, shaking my head. "I- I don't want to feel like this. You ca- I don't want to hold on to this feeling, everything that happened to...me" I paused, my voice going soft as I stare off to the side overlooking the city.
I flinch at the flashbacks in my mind. My eyes pitching close together, tears begging to fall as my emotions clash together. I take a deep inhale in before letting it out, my chest tightening as I turned back to Raynor. "It's my fault. Everything is my fault...like I want to be happy. I do. Honestly. But something inside me screams that I do not deserve it" I whispered-yelled, tears brimming at my eyes.
Do I really want to hold this all in ? Why should I hold it all in when every time I close my eyes that I feel that... that pain. I don't want that. I want to be better, I am better. Why can't she see that I am trying. Fuck can't she see me trying. I held myself back from trying to fucking end it but...but now she is telling me that I basically haven't fucking tried at all?
No one knows the pain I go through everyday, ever since Wanda got my memories back. I feel more numbness I have never felt before, now that I remember. I don't want it. I don't like remembering. Remembering makes me feel things. I don't like this, I don't like feeling things.
"We're done" I stated bluntly, pushing up to my feet. I pulled my hoodie over my head, my dull eyes stare back into hers. "I-I can't do anymore today" I sighed, my hands shaking down by my sides. Rolling my hand into a fist as I willed myself to not hurt myself.
I make my way towards the door before Raynor calls me. I was going to ignore her, not wanting to hear anymore of her therapist crap but something inside of me wields my body to stop with my hand on the handle of the door.
"Slay your demons when you are awake, they won't haunt you when you're asleep" Her voice came out quiet but loud enough for me to hear. "Slay your demons kid, then you'll be able to sleep"
Then I walked out without another word.
******
Next chapter is gonna be a lot so please read it with caution, if you ever need to talk please message me. I am happy to be there for you. I love you all so much and Happy New Year!!
Good morning or night tin man's angels <3
UNEDITED
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