"Tell me something I don't know." He whispers.
"I'm in love with you."
His lips tipped upwards, his eyes casting down upon mine. "Already know that." He whispers, his hand reaching up towards me as he softly brushed his thumb upon my cheek.
"Oh y...
Every single moment of every day I thought of her, my mind never stopped. I tried but it didn't. She has been gone for seven months now, I've lost the one person that I would've went to if I needed anything and lost the person that I love dearly. Yes. I love her, I had been in love with her during our time in Wakanda when we were at that waterfall.
Every day feels like a task to get out of bed and lately it kinda has been easier in the past two months but it still pains me that she isn't here with me. I understood as to why she went off alone, Natasha didn't have to as I assume Seventeen told her not to tell me why but she did. And I honour her for that, to help my sanity to keep on going.
I'm proud of seventeen for going off on her own but I'm little bit mad that she hadn't came to me. I know at the time or now even, I don't know if she still thinks I killed her brother but I'm going with the latter anyway as she isn't home in my arms yet. But I can't think like that, I just have to have hope she will be back in my arms soon.
My pen scratches against the rough paper, gliding over in joint hand writing as I write down shit about my feelings that Raynor recommended me to do. At the moment I am writing down what I feel when triggered.
I start jotting down that my heart beats crazy. I swear, I feel hot, but my hands and feet go cold. I can't think. I feel like my throat tightens and my mouth goes dry. I freeze. I get tunnel vision. I can't speak. I'm afraid, really afraid. My brain shuts down and I start to dissociate. It's the most exhausting and terrifying feeling.
"Bucky what do you think?" Sam calls out as I snap my journal shut on my lap as I look up across from me to see three pairs of eyes watching me.
"Huh?"
"If I tape knives to the edge of the Cap's shield, it would become hundred percentage more efficient." Sam exclaimed in an excitement tone with wide eyes.
Steve shakes his head. "No, Sam." Steve sighs, flicking through the channels on the tv as we sit in the lounge area.
I shrugged my shoulder, "I mean, yeah Steve is right."
"Thank you!" Steve exclaims out before I raised my hand to stop him.
"I mean like eventually the knives would fall off, you need something more permanent." I pointed out, backing up Sam's comment for once. It does sound pretty sick.
"That's not what I meant!?" Steve retorts out, throwing his head back in irritation.
"It would sound awesome pal, like if you sharpen the edges, execute villains immediately, they'll learn to fear Captain America. The crime rate will drop, I guarantee it." I exclaimed, a playful joking smile on my face. Obviously I would never do that but it is a good strategy right?
Dawn would think so.
"Like a giant pizza cutter? Murder frisbee." Peter Parker questions with wide intrigued eyes.
I gestured towards Peter, "See the kid understands."
"Don't put any thoughts in that kid's head please." Tony shouts out from the kitchen who makes dinner with his wife Pepper. He waves the knife in his hand in a warning action in my direction.
"But it does sound sick, doesn't it!" Peter calls out towards his dad like figure.
"Of course it fucking is- ow Pepper what was that for!"
"Don't curse when I'm around." Pepper proclaims, cutting the vegetables louder to prove a point to not mess with her as I shake my head. I go back to my writing journal, jotting down another area that Raynor had wrote to help me start my journaling.
Next question: How to cope with triggers?
I nibble my lip for a moment in thought, what would I do? I wrote down remove myself from a situation trigger as one. My mind goes blank as I try to think of something that I could do to help prevent my trigger. I started to click the top of the pen subconsciously, tapping it against the page as I try to get my mind cleared to focus.
"Penny for your thoughts, pal?" Steve says from my left, I glance up at him slightly with clear evident of unfocused in my eyes. I don't bother talking, I just turn the book over slightly, enough for Steve to read what my next question is. "You didn't tell me that you felt that way." He commented.
I shrugged my shoulders, "Didn't want to burden you with my worries."
"You're my best friend Bucky, course I worry about you." He pointed out. "But to help you with to coping with your triggers, you could say to come to one of us." He smiles appreciatively, care evident in his eyes and tone.
I nodded my head and jotted Steve and Dawn down instinctively. I stare at her name on the paper, chewing the inside of my cheek as I debate to scribble it out or not. I press the pen down at the start of the letter D, about to cross it out before I change my mind and let it be. I see from the corner of my eye, Steve watching my actions but he doesn't voice them but I know what his look meant.
I still see Dawn as a coping figure in my life even if she isn't here. Even if she isn't here, her voice in my mind helps me to keep going. And I did. I wanted to ended it a few months ago, the pain and the memories I went through was traumatic that I couldn't live with these feelings anymore but then I thought of her.
I lived for her.
I lived life to what she would hopefully wanted me to do. I hope she is doing the same somewhere out there. I hope she is safe and I'll always be waiting here for her, until she is back in my arms. Come back to my Dawn.
******
Kinda short chapter sorry, this is just an update on what Bucky is doing and feeling while Dawn is away these past months. Promise you guys, at-least four more chapters until the reunion. Whoop! Love you guys, hope you enjoy todays chapter. See you next time, my loves!
Good morning from me or night for you Zucky's Angel's <3
UNEDITED
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