Dawn | Bucky Barnes ✔️

10. Leftovers

Z A H R A J E N K I N S

My body rocks back and forth, arms wrapping around my bruised cut up legs to my chest with my head in between my knees as tears roll down my cheeks. My lip trembles slightly, as a couple of sniffles leave my nose. I flinch even couple seconds when another flashback of the days prior that I've been in here, being in this cell is taunting me that I got to the stage of being lost in my own mind once again.

I hate it every time I get the flashbacks from in here but specially when I was in the Redroom and Hydra. I hate it as I don't want to remember. I've always hated remembering after the abuse or sexual assault happens. Remembering makes me feel things. I don't like feeling things.

The worst thing is, how can I even run away from these memories that are placed in my head. Although, here's me still living despite it all. I could end it right now but a tiny voice in the back of my head is telling me to continue, to continue on with my life. It's not my voice but it's Bucky, I could imagine his reassuring words that I will be alright.

That I can get through this but it's hard when each of my interior walls are chipping right back up into a high one that I'm afraid that they'll never be knocked down again. I lean my head on the wall, soft puffs of air leaves me as flash backs of the red room invade my head. Bad and good memories invade me but mostly bad ones as that's all that we were ever allowed to have.

We were built like machines, like soldiers. We weren't allowed to show any sort of emotion from crying to laughter to anger, just plain flat nothing. I miss my childhood, I got stripped away from it so soon that I had to second guess myself did it ever actually happen?

But then when I met Fury and I found out the truth, it slowly comes back to me and that it actually did happen. I did have a life before this place, I did have a family and friends whom I bet had a better life than I am in now. I hope they didn't get a bad life like I did.

But then again I still got some good memories within the red room, I created a friendship with Natasha and Yelena, more than a friendship. We are sisters. They were always there for me, mostly Natasha as she was set the task to take care of me because she was one of the oldest and that Dreykov took an inkling towards me that he give in to the closeness I only shared with Natty.

That he soon allowed her to be my guide with my medical situation, she knows me more than I even knew myself now and I feel the need to repay her for all that she has done for me and especially Yelena. She protected us even if it got her to get punished but she just got right back up.

But I still feel guilty overall because I am classified as the golden girl and the best soldier, Dreykov has ever had that I couldn't make more friendships towards the other widows. One thing in particular though, is that I didn't have to go through the experiment to get my reproductive organs out.

They are still intact but the other widows are not. But at this current moment at time, a part of me is being selfish as I wish I didn't have them. I wish that I did get them ripped out of me as there's a slight chance that Dimitri could impregnate me and a part of me believes that's his goal every time he comes in here. It's as if he wants me to get pregnant.

Even though I don't want kids of my own, it's still the thought that I may potentially lose my unborn if I do get pregnant from the world I live in. The beatings I still endure would surely cause me to miscarry the baby. But I don't let that thought invade into me because I know I would never stop thinking about it if it did ever happen.