Dawn | Bucky Barnes ✔️

26. Drowning

W I D O W   S E V E N T E E N

A tear escaped my eyes in which it opened up the flood gates for the rest of them. I lifted my hand to my eyes, trying to stop the tears, now streaming down my face but it was no use. My emotions has gotten the better of me and I could do nothing but allow them to consume me. My lip trembled against the cigarette as I pulled another drag, the taste of nicotine now evident on my tongue.

I leaned forward, my arms against the iron barriers as I flicked the butt of my cigarette onto the deserted street in front of me. My eyes cast upwards towards the Seattle lights on the buildings, memories of me and Bucky sitting upon roof tops as we talked for hours upon end about anything that came to our minds.

A sad smile forms on my face, my chest tightening as I inhale another drag. I woken up from another nightmare once again to the horrors of my life, more specifically Dimitri. Even when he is dead, he still hunts my mind. I feel utterly sick that even when I've killed him, he still has this hold over me.

And now that I know he was my Dimi when me and Irina was younger, I feel a sense of shame and betrayal that a boy that i trusted with my life back then would do such vile things to me. I even feel ashamed for having feelings for the guy. I'm surprised that I didn't recognise him, probably that's why I felt such familiarity and comfort when i lost my memories and trusted him that I was truly his girlfriend.

Maybe deep down I still felt something for him but not as much as I have deep feelings for Bucky. After I had left yesterday with Irina finding out on what Dimitri has done, she looked hesitant to say that he couldn't do that but when she saw the utter fear and disgust in my eyes of what he had done to me. She held me, cried with me on the floor in that deserted hallway.

She trusted me. Someone trusted me. I was scared that someone wouldn't believe a rape survivor. It's what I assumed because in shows or movies that I had watched before I gotten kidnapped, the people didn't believe the girl or the boy.

I cried and poured my heart out to her, I know I just met her again but wouldn't anybody in my case just feel like their drowning and just wanted to let it go? So I did and I don't regret it, Irina brought me back to my apartment in which she is sleeping on the other side of my bed from staying with me all night. Thankfully she is still a deep sleeper and didn't hear me jolt awake trenched in sweat of my nightmares.

I stand here in the pouring rain, letting the drops of water run down my face as it mixes with the salty tears I desperately try to hold on. But as those tears are joined by the rain, I feel almost a sense of secure and safety to let them out. This allows me to put me at ease, it's almost as if I am not alone. As if the world i crying with me, I flicker my eyes to the midnight sky.

I love the way the sky looks as it storms, so dark, dreary and dim. Just like my mind, in which it has been drowning me for ages but I continue. I allow the world to melt around me like a cloak as it gives me the cold, bigger hug as it reminds me that the world isn't so lonely after all.

But in reality I feel like I am alone. I wanted to be cared for, to be loved - don't get me wrong I know the Avengers care for me and love me but I've been alone for so long and the terror that I've witnessed the last several weeks that I'm kinda scared to open up to them again. I feel like for so long I put everyone else above, giving them all that I had, even though it always left me feeling lost and bad.

When I tried to say no, they called me weak. But once I gave in- Dimitri's sexual abuse for example, I was labelled as a slut or a whore. In myself I felt disgusted for giving into him in the end, I feel sick at the thought that he was my Dimi. The Dimi that held me, kissed my bruised knuckles better, protected me from Dreykov's beatings.