Burn for You

36

Serena
I didn't cry and I haven't been upset. Honestly, I don't think I'm feeling anything at all but no matter what my heart is telling me, I'm not going to go look for him

Grayson Vankaro was, admittedly and embarrassingly, the love of my life. The short time I had with him made me feel more loved than I've ever felt. Not to destroy all of my dad's hard work but Grayson gave me a different kind of love. A love I didn't know I wanted or needed.

A love that made me forget I was an alcoholic with a job that I hated that made me drink more. A love that made me forget the tears I shed at my aunt's funeral when she died of breast cancer and the tears I shed afterward when I got drunk and broke my promise to get clean. A love that made me want to be an addict. But not to anything like drugs or alcohol, but his look. I was—am addicted to the way he looks—looked at me with so much love and hope despite his mostly sad and empty eyes.

Grayson Vankaro will be nothing but a memory from now on and I'm not okay with that. But I will learn to be just like I learned everything else. Like I learned to fall in love with being sober, like I learned to fall in love with being loved, and how I learned to fall in love with him.

Despite all I've said, I don't believe myself. I wanted to be with him and even if this is all just a massive misunderstanding, it's for the best. I don't think either of us was ready for each other...or maybe I was the only one who wasn't.

Three months ago, I got a new job. I'm now a bartender at a club downtown. It pays more because I'm literally risking my life to come to work every day but I enjoy it for the most part. I mean I'm not homeless because of it.

The only flaw, other than the constant shootings, threats, fights, and attempted robberies, is I have to drive past the station to get here...and sometimes, if I'm lucky, he's standing there.

I like to think that after the first time he saw my car drive past, he waited for me to drive by again and again and again until he realized it was a routine and now he just waits for me. I know I'm delusional and I made the decision to not contact him, not to at least ask him about what happened but it still makes me feel something that it's a possibility.

"Yo, Serena, C'mere baby."

I looked up to see Thomas waving me over, the black and old landline in his hand.

"What's wrong?"

He shrugged and handed me the phone.

"Let me know if something's goin' on, dude on the phone sounds sus to me." 

I nodded and watched as he walked off to help set tables up. I cautiously pressed the phone to my ear only to hear static.

"Hello?"

"Oh! Hey, ladybug!"

I smiled to myself as relief washed over me at the sound of Papa's voice. He does have a deeper voice that may sound suspicious if he isn't talking to people he doesn't know so I understand Thomas' concern.

"Hi, papa, what's wrong?"

He cleared his throat, the sound of a blinker ringing in my ear.

"I wanted to let you know that I won't be home or at the station tonight, ok? So don't come by and don't use the key and be waiting for me, ok?"

I chuckled and leaned against the wall, crossing my arm over my front. "Why not papa? You tired of me already?"

He let out a rough laugh. "No no...I wouldn't say that just a little...bored. You're really boring, Serena. I thought I raised you better but you just want to sit around and lay in my lap all day, do something interesting for once ya know?"

I laughed as I listened to him rant about how boring what I thought was bonding time is to him.

"Yea yea yea. I get it, papa, you don't want me around anymore. I get it, you suck. Have a good time and don't call me on this raggedy phone anymore."

"Yea ok. I love you, Serena. I'll see you later alligator."

I smiled to myself as memories of him dropping me off at school flashed into my mind. The goodbye soothed something inside me. "I love you too papa. See you in a while crocodile."

I hung up the phone and continued to think about the moments I'd shared with him.

"He hasn't said that in so long..."

Sweet moment but, of course, it wouldn't last long.

"Serena! Get to work! We open in five!"

I sighed and pushed myself from the wall and over to the bar. Can't ever have like one good moment to think about the good stuff, can I?

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