Times are changing, and I wonder if that's for the better
Everything at once, just feels so confusing and I can only hope something good will come of it
I feel a lingering loneliness in how I feel
Knowing that the emotions I feel are left to my own devices, that I will learn to live with them perhaps
I would ask myself frequently, if how I feel is going to be like that forever
And I know that not to be true, that days, like seasons, are changing forever
I see just how words can dance around in my head, looking for the right ones to express my feelings
But words can only express so much, only say enough
And so I went in search of other means, colors perhaps
If how I felt was a color, I feel like a special shade of blue would be appropriate
But one where the hues were as varied as the stars in the sky
One where I could see all the lights embedded in midnight blue
And if you stood long enough, the blue would change into beautiful shades of lighter and darker tones
This is to express that I, like my words, can change their meanings over time.
I want the colors to express me as ever changing, beautiful but reflective of my grief, my joy
Part of my wants to believe I would be able to make better sense of these colors, mashing with my words but I don't think I'd fully understand, let alone anyone else.
I want there to be some medium between thoughts that would go beyond what a few letters from an alphabet can do.
The emotions that I feel can feel impossible to find a reason to be
There is so much bottled up, and so much more leaking at the seams
There isn't enough time in the world for me to understand
so when I feel something, I've tried to feel colors, numbers, ideas.
And it's all lost to me still, as if there are some things that shouldn't be explained
I was tired for so long, and this isn't any different
I've found a new way to be tired perhaps, but I still don't see why I live the life I do
There is a fleeting sense of confidence in who I am, who I was.
That I need to see a new way forward I've never walked down
Scared, Anxious, maybe even insane
But to let fear control my life, is no different than dying a death in servitude
And to live so trapped, is to not live at all.
