I am a prisoner of my own thoughts
Vicious as they may be, I endure them because I have never known otherwise
How perilous the journey that is personal growth
To feel like you take a step forward, only to tumble back ten
To feel as if time has been wasted, spent struggling and toiling for it to feel that it amounted to nothing.
That is an irony I cannot properly recover from
And yet to hear that no effort is ever wasted, so long as we learn
I am learning the same lesson. Over, and over, and over again.
That no matter what I do, there is a futility in trying to impose my will over myself
Yet how can I make these claims, how can I make sense of the words coming from my head, if they are not true?
Who determines them to be true? Is it the same mind that is jury, and judge?
And no harsher words derive from other sources, it is only my own words that can drown out the sea of good will and serene silenece.
There can be no peace for me, so long as I continue to walk the path my legs take me.
Were I to stop, I would still be unfit to make a choice that may have the slightest chance I would be otherwise-perhaps happy.
We always arrive to the same thoughts, to the same consequences and the lesson learned is no more effective the first time, as it is the tenth.
That I would somehow overcome all of the struggle and hurt that is etched in stone, painted on the ceilings of my mind. It still feels all too distant for it to mean anything to me.
So why bother at all? What would be the point of trying to change now?
Even despite how I've proven the contrary, there is still hope, however misguided, that I will see this through.
To give up now would be little different from what I am doing now. Seeking the void of a black comfort, seeing no light, no warmth.
Simply the embrace of an end I will not be granted anytime soon.
It leaves me to wonder how much irony lives in me, living out a farce-the human condition
I tire of the way it seems to find the humor in struggling for so long, so intensely.
I only wish it were possible to stop thinking, even briefly
To hear something other than white noise
