Dearest brother,
I wish we could be normal
That our biggest worries in life would be where to go for dinner with our family
Or what music to play on the radio
Instead all I think about
Is how much of a little kid I still am
Struggling to grow up in a way I should have a long time ago
It kills me to know that you're only just surviving
That everyday is a struggle
That while you are grateful for a new day, you are only just above burnout
I wish I could tell you, just how much I'm struggling
Hearing talk as if I left with no remorse
That I didn't spent every minute agonizing over it
That I came back and watched any attempts to grow, fail
And I feel as if I am just walking shame
Wishing I could tell you everything I've been carrying around
And why don't I?
Because it all feels so insignificant in the wider scope of things
That you have to live with things for the rest of your life
And that kills me
Because we will never be a normal family
That came together for any reason other than one of misery
Dearest brother, your actions are of love
And it seems I have let it go misplaced
And I'm trying so fucking hard, I'm sorry, I really am.
Some days I feel it all rush back in
The ice bath feeling of knowing I know so little
That I really am just a kid trying to figure his shit out
That I should just move out for a while
And me knowing all too well that I couldn't make it
That I'd fail before I even started
But K now I still have yet to figure my shit out
I'm still grasping at the air
Where I should be looking for solid footing
But I still wish that we were fucking closer
I wish we could have conversations about things
That didn't revolve around our worlds falling apart
I just wish we could have the connection that normal families have
But we are fated to be this way
Until we're both in the ground someday
I wish I didn't feel like the fuckup I am
And I know what you say to me has always been out of love
And I'm so, so sorry
But you don't want excuses
Or apologies
You just want to finally see me succeed
Even if that means that I have to struggle more than I have been
More than you know
And it's just so hard, it's so fucking hard
Dearest brother
I just want to come to you someday with good news
I just want you, you of all people to be proud of me someday
And I know, the only way I'm going to get there
Is to pick myself up off the floor
And do something with myself for fuck's sake.
I love you, brother
And I'm struggling to figure myself out
And so I wish, if not just for a moment
That we finally felt peace, between the both of us.
