Tears Of London

Telling the truth

JO

This is it. It's time. I have to tell Jared.
After bringing Kelly to the Hutt, I came back in the apartment, where I texted Jared to make sure he'll be here tonight.
I am not that anxious. Honestly, I'm sure I will feel so light after telling him. I cannot lie anymore.
- How are you ? I said when he arrived. How was your day, today ?
- Cool, but, babe...I have to tell you something.
Oh. You too ?
- I also have something to tell you. But go ahead first.
- I want to make love right now.
I almost choked, with my glass of coke.
Great...I couldn't have wished for better...
- Umm...Jared, it's actually a bad timing, I admit.
- Babe, I swear I want to do it. Now.
- Yeah, I trust you...but that's not the point. I want to talk before.
- No problem, you'll tell me after.
He comes closer fastly, and starts kissing me on the neck. Firstly, I let him do it. But, then, I realize I don't feel anything, what terrifies me as hell.
Why I don't feel even half as good as I did when I was with Erin ? Why do I have to think about another guy when my boyfriend is kissing me ?
I step back instantly, with tears in the eyes. I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve neither Jared or Erin. I'm just a motherfucking monster. And I have to pay for that.
- Jared...I really have to tell you...
But I shut up immediately, as I see rage in my boyfriend's eyes. All of a sudden, he starts yelling at me with big arm movements :
- Damn it, Jo ! You're a fucking pain in the ass !
I look at him quietly, letting a first tear fall.
- When do I won't have to beg you for sex anymore ?
- Jared...I'm sorry, I'm...I'm not ready, I'm sorry.
- You're a liar.
Suddenly, his voice starts to get softer, and he approaches me. His hand rests on my cheek, where tears have already fallen. Softer, Jared continues :
- I know you lie, because things were not like this before. Do you remember, at the beginning of our relationship ? There were love and passion between us. What has changed since then ?
I have a sob. My hands are colder than they never were, and shaking. My legs hurt, I want to disappear. I want to merge with the ground and disappear.
But I know I have to tell him the truth. I want to tell him what has changed since then.
So I take my courage in both hands and say :
- I think I'm not in love with you anymore.
That was all it took, to put him back into a deep rage. I see something new in his blue eyes. Something that looks like hatred.
- Who is he ? Jared asks with no more kindness.
- Who ?
- You know who ! he yells with anger. Tell me his name !!
- There is nobody else. I was just wrong with my feelings. I thought...I thought I was loving you, I swear I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry.
During a minute, he doesn't say anything. He looks at the ground, mad as hell. Then, in a more or less calm, he declares :
- You know what ? I'm fed up. I'm fed up with you and your manners. Fuck you, he adds while taking over the door.
And I end up lonely again.