Tears Of London

Decision

ERIN

Jo was there, on the terrace of a restaurant, around a table with friends. She couldn't see me from here.
I noticed they were all wearing the same uniform. A dark blue suit with a black tie.
They must be in the same school.
- Erin ? You're coming...? Malcolm asked, from behind me.
I didn't answer him, as Aliya talked before :
- Is that Jo ? she wondered, standing next to me.
- Yes.
From here, I could see she was laughing out loud, close to this white boy with long dark hair. Jo was wearing her hair straightened with barrettes, giving her a serious look.
She looks good like this too.
- She looks happy, I said to myself.
- Yes.
- Do you think she hates me ?
My friend turns to me with inquisitive eyes.
- Why would she ?
- Last week, when she came to the Hutt, we talked about all the shit I told her.
I forced myself to explain her more, so she'd stop looking at me with those eyes :
- Once, I told her I didn't love her. So I decided to apologise.
- Do you regret it ? she asked.
- What ?
- Telling her you didn't love her. You regret it ?
- No, well yes...but....no, I know I don't wanna have something with her.
- Then what's the matter ?
- I don't know.
It was so messed up in my head. I knew at this moment all I was saying was having no fucking sense, but I needed to get it out, to put words on this.
- I feel like I am not ready. But I'd hate to see her with another man, neither.
- Are you realising you're saying toxic shits ? You don't love her but you want her all to yourself ? Do you hear yourself ?
- I know...that's not even clear in my head.
Aliya took a break to breathe and looked at Jo's table.
- You should make a decision, before breaking her for good.