Tears Of London

Being sociable as an antisocial

JO

We parked my Twingo a block away, because the sidewalks are full of cars.
- Where are you taking me ? I ask, watching the crowded street.
- Into the best place you never saw.
- And this place is located in a rotten street ? Full of toxicos ? What kind of place is it ?
- Not everyone in the rotten streets is a toxico, you know.
We are arriving near a tiny house made with red bricks. From here, I hear music playing from the inside. On the porch, many people are talking loud, laughing and drinking in red plastic glasses. Most of them look my age, but it doesn't make me confortable at all.
- Here we are ! yells Kelly, shameless.
And now I remember this house. In fact, I was there 4 days ago. This is where I drived home this guy – Erin. This is where I met Malcolm, the Red Hair guy. They are the British Gatsbys.
Instantly when we passed the door, a disgusting smell came to my nose : a mix of sweat and tobacco. I immediatly stop moving.
- Key...I'm not sure I want to do it, I admit. I'm not feeling so confortable. I'm leaving.
- Come on, Jo ! You can't leave me, you're my driver !
- Ask your new boyfriend. I'm out.
I start to turn back, but she grabs me by the shoulders before.
- You are always complaining that you are not sociable enough, she says, pulling me inwards. It's time to train yourself !
- I don't know any of these people !
- All the more reason to get to know them, she declares, giving me three slaps on the back.
Then, she steps forward and disappears into the crowd.
I hate her.
I want to scream at her and cry like a capricious child. But it is too late, she was eaten by the crowd. And I am too fearful to leave without her. She'd probably strangle me if I'd try.
I am crossing the corridor, fear in the stomach. I know I look crazy, but I am terrified when it comes to crowded places. And people in general. I feel like they're all staring at me, judging and comparing my body, my hair, my weight, my skin. I feel like I am a witch, and they are the hunters. I feel like I am a prey, and everybody in this house wants me dead.
When I get into the living room, this feeling is getting worse. The room is crowded, full of half-naked bodies that are disarticulating to the music. Talking about the music...it is worse than I could ever imagine : the sound is so high nobody can understand what an other is saying.
Suddenly, someone pushes me on the side. I think it was an accident. His glass has spilled over my skirt, so he looks at me confusely. He is black, with pretty green eyes. I don't know him, but he looks angry.
- Seriously ?! My drink, damn it.
I look at him with grief. I'm so ashamed I feel my face heating, until it gets red.
- Look ahead instead of insulting me, I say very low, after I walk away.
I could have assaulted him, like he just did. But every time I am facing a similar situation, I submit and talk low. I wish I could be like my sister, confident and outgoing.
Now, I want to hide myself. Under the table, behind a curtain, anywhere. Where those strangers' eyes cannot judge me anymore.