Tears Of London

Again ?

ERIN

I failed it. She's in love.
She must not love me. She must not fall in love with me.
That's not the first time that happens, but it's still so hard to fix it. Hard to tell. Hard to break.
But I have to. I can't let her fall in love with me. Because, if that happens, I know I can fall in turn. I know just by looking at her that she can make me fall in love with her. And I won't let that happen.
It happened to me once. With Emily. And I ended broke.
Love only brings problems. That's what my parents taught me. What my past taught me. What Emily taught me, when she left.
I have to break Jo, so she won't love me. So she won't want to see me again. That's how I'll preserve me. Preserve her.
I want her to hate me.
- I don't, I say so, coldly.
Her mouth got closed. For a moment, I wondered if she had stopped breathing. Suddenly, her eyes got wet. Her eyelids started to shake a bit.
She holds something inside her, something she doesn't want me to see. And at that very moment, I realised how much I wanted her to tell me what she was keeping inside. I would like to free her from that pain.
But I couldn't.
- Did I do something wrong ? she asked with an innocence that made me feel something. Why are you mean with me ?
- I'm just being honest.
- You really don't like me.
That was not a question. As I don't say anything, she continues :
- You're not in love with me, I can understand it. But then, why did you let me believe that ? Why didn't you simply told me at the beginning ?
Her question was simple. She was waiting for a simple answer. I mentally take a minute to find the answer.
She is right. All this time, why did I hit on her ? Why did I ask to see her ? Why did I kiss her ? Why did I care so much about apologising to her ?
I could have answered simply, but it wouldn't have be enough to make her hate me.
- I found it funny, I declared with no emotion. I just wanted to fuck you. The white virgin girl, who's trying to escape from her boring world. And I almost made it. I won the game.
She was calm. Weak, but calm. She opened her mouth :
- I have a last question.
I was surprised by how curious she was. I am talking like a motherfucking bastard with her, why doesn't she slaps me and leave ?
- All the things you said...were you honest ? Or did you lie to me ?
I stayed quiet. I was surprised by her calm. She was really insightful. I can't deny I'm impressed.
- I think you know the answer, I say. 
I wanted her to believe that I'd never been honest with her, even if that was not true.
She knows more things about me than most people.
- Okay, she whispered, tight jaw. I'll leave you alone.
How can she be so calm ? So respectful, after all I told her ?
- Now, I swear that if you ever talk to me that cruelly again, I'll destroy you, she added though, with a rage I didn't know her. And everything you care about. 
I didn't say anything. I didn't have time, she left before, in a silence I didn't know an angry person could make.
I didn't realise it at the time, but I made one of the biggest mistake of my life.