Tears Of London

Stay cool

JO

For the first time of my life, I am not scared about teasing someone. All my life, flirt was not my thing. I am shy, not really self-confident, and clumsy.
But I feel like I've forgotten all these flaws tonight.
I must admit, though, that when Erin approached me to sit next to me on the bed, my heart was racing. As if I was speaking in an arena full of million of strangers.
But, even though, I keep acting as if I don't care.

Erin sits near my right hip, so close I can feel the heat of his skin.
Calm, Jo. STAY. COOL.
-  Do you mind ? he whispers.
I gently shake my head to say no. Slowly, he rises his hand, and brings it to my belly. His hand is frozen on my stomach. I shiver at his touch.
I wonder if the cold of his hands isn't due to drugs.
-  Sorry, my hand is cold, he whispers.
The more time passes, the more I like his voice.
-  Frozen, I rectify.
He has a little smile that wakes up something in me. Something mysterious.
With his left hand, he draws big circles on my stomach, while his right hand serves as a support. His movements are slow and flexible. Careful. Graceful. Sexy.
-  You're okay ? Erin asks softly.
As his hand presses against my skin, mines gets hotter. My belly starts to burn. It is not a painful feeling. It is an exciting one, similar to adrenaline.
-  Hm...yes...? I say, not sure of what is happening to my body.
-  You want me to stop ?
I raise my head to see his face.
-  Why ?
Is he feeling uncomfortable ? Does he thinks I'm not attractive ?
-  Because you look tense.
He is looking at my hand, which is squeezing the edge of the bed so hard that my skin turns pale.
CALM DOWN, JO.
-  Oh, no. No. I'm okay.
-   Is it that difficult for you to just relax ? he says taking me by the shoulder so I could lay down.
Now, I am completely lying, with Erin sitten near me.
-  Did I hurt you ? he suddenly asks.
-  No ! No, I'm okay. I swear.
He looks at me with suspicious eyes that makes me laugh.
-  You know me, I'm just overthinking, I admit. As always.
-  Tell me, he murmurs by resuming his massage.
- Oh, it's not a big deal.
- Tell me.
-   I was just wondering if...you remember that time you got caught by the cops ? You said that you weren't into drugs.
-  You remember what I've said ?
-  Let me talk !
Erin laughs.
-  Is it true ? I finally ask. Are you sober ?
He has stopped his circle movements, so I stand up and sit to observe him.
-   No, he admits with no shame. I lied so they could let me free.
I appreciate his honesty. But only his honesty.
-   Can I ask you since when you take drugs ?
-    I was 12 the first time. I also have questions.
Twelve ?!
I remember the 12 years-old me, playing jump rope. At the same age, some were taking drugs.
-   Ask me, I say.
-   Where are you from ?
I raise an eyebrow. It's so obvious that I'm a foreigner ?
-   I'm French. Is it my accent ?
-   Quite discrete. I thought you were Russian or Canadian. Where in France ?
-    Oh, I'm not from France, but from a French island in the Caribbean. Saint-Barthélemy.
I am now more relaxed. More at ease. The fact Erin's fingers are touching my body doesn't disturb me anymore. His touch is just pleasant.
-  Do you know I used to learn French at school ? Erin says.
-   Oh, really ?!
-   Hm, hm. I was very bad, but I do remember a few things. Like "bonjour"..."fromage", and some bits and pieces of French songs.
-   Give me some you studied !
-   Um, I don't remember the name of that song. But it goes like « laisse tomber les filles... »
-  Oh, France Gall !
All of a sudden, Erin's right hand joins the left one on my belly, and starts to make waves on my height. It is as cold as the left one, which was warmed by my body heat.
I have to talk. I need to talk, to hide my feelings right now.
-  And...when did you learn French ?
-   In high school. Until I leave school, at least.
-   Oh, you skipped some grades ?
-   Only the 12 one. But, yes.
-   And...you left school to come here ? To live in the Hutt ?
-  The Hutt didn't exist before we came. One day, I realised how much I was fed up with my life. I took the van a friend lent me, convinced Malcolm to come with me, and we left Plymouth for London with only two matts. Then, we found this abandoned house that we named, equipped and decorated. It became the Hutt.
I now understand some things about him. He left his home, that is maybe why he seems to have a bad relationship with his parents. They live far from each other.
-   And how did you convince your parents to let you go ? I ask.
I immediately regret my question, as I see Erin closing himself. He is cold anew. The Wall-Man is back. As always, when it comes to his parents. I want to slap myself. I'm so stupid.
But, after a long minute during which I felt really bad, Erin says :
-   I didn't tell her.
Her ? His mother ?
Now, everything becomes clearer. Even though, a question remains in my mind : did he leave because of his parents, to escape them ? Or did he left for no reason without any word, any empathy for the family he was leaving behind him ?
In other words : is he the victim or the bad guy in this story ?  
-  You probably think I'm an asshole, he guesses. That I did the wrong choice. But I swear I regret nothing.
-  No, I don't think that.
-  Then why are you looking at me like this ?
-   I look at you as someone who cares. I don't know your life, who would I be to judge your choices ?
He instantly takes out his hands. He now stares at me with an intense gaze, as if he wanted to read my mind. But he doesn't say anything. After a long time, he finally stops his gaze, and look down at the mattress.
-   I appreciate, he simply says.
I am sat. His face is so close to mine. I can smell his vanilla perfume. Which is not vanilla, by the way.
I am a bit disappointed, as I would like to know more about him. I thought Erin was going to explain himself, his past, his family issues. But I'll have to wait.
-  See ? They warmed up, he whispers, talking about his hands, when he has put them back on my skin.
I notice his movements are not the same anymore. It is still soft. Even softer. Now, his massage looks more like caresses. Sometimes, he even just brushes my skin, giving me shivers.
Then, one of his hands moves away, lower, until he reaches the top of my jean. When his head rises to see me, I don't think anymore. All I see are his lips. I move forward.
And the second after, they are against mine.
I immediately regret : what if he doesn't like me ? What if he doesn't want to kiss me ? What if he pushes me away ?
His lips are warm, fleshy and soft. Luckily, they open up to my touch.
He wants it. He likes me.
I close my eyes, and put my hand on his cheek. The other one goes in his hair, that I hold between my fingers.
His right hand stays on my hip whereas the left one caresses my neck. His touch is so pleasant. But so weird at the same time. He gives me goosebumps every time his fingers touch my skin.
One of his hands goes up to my ribs, whereas the other plays with the edge of my jean. Thus, unintentionally, he lifts my shirt and reveals a part of my belly and a bit of waist. I automatically put my hand on his, not to stop him, but to know how it feels to have his hand in mine. And it feels so nice. Mine is tiny in his own. I caress his softly with my thumb, and he smiles on my mouth. My free hand ventures onto his body, goes through his jacket and helps him to remove it. He takes his time, more time than I take, but ends up removing it. Our kisses are cute, child friendly I may say, until Erin takes his fingers to my chin, to make me open my mouth. I let him do, and his tongue slides towards mine slowly.
Big-real kisses usually repulse me. But not tonight, apparently. They're not gross to me. His tongue is warm and soft, it dances with mine with grace. 
After a minute, he suddenly steps back. I'm automatically afraid I did something wrong. But Erin's lips go back only to move towards my neck. He gives me kisses, from my clavicle to my right-ear. The feeling is deep. My breath is more and more loud. I take Erin in my arms, as I don't know what to do else. I smell his sweet perfume. Then, I put my hand back in his hair, and squeeze it with my fingers. A sound comes out of his mouth, a sound that sounded so melodious. Something pretty and sexy at the same time. Like a moan.

I don't exactly know how to call it, but I'm sure I want to hear it again from his mouth. So, I grab harder his hair and kiss his neck in turn. But, surprisingly, it is my moaning that I hear next. I would never know that giving pleasure to another person was so satisfying. I love the contact of my lips on his neck, and he seems to like it as well.

Now, his hands are lifting up my shirt. I surprise myself as I don't say anything. Usually, I am really not at ease when it comes to my breast. I never assumed its size, that I find too small. But, with Erin, it's weird but, I don't care. I am not afraid to be judged.
All I have left is my bra and my jean. Erin looks at me in the eyes, and say :
-  You want to ?
-  Yes. Do you ?
I was starting to doubt. Maybe he doesn't find me attractive, that's why he insists. Maybe he is used to have sex with models, and girls who are more experienced. Surely.
For the first time tonight, I really have doubts.
-  Sure, that's not what I meant, he says laughing, reassuring me. You said you were a virgin, he insists. In some ways. Are you sure you want to do this with me ?
-   Yes.
He has a little smile while saying :
- I appreciate.
I laugh while I put my hand on the back of his head, to bring his face close to mine.
- But don't compare my body to the other girls you had sex with, I threaten him. Or I'll cry and kill you.
-   I won't. Of course I won't.
He kisses me and put me against his chest with his hand. I stop the kiss after thinking and say :
- Same for sex. I'm not so...
-  Stop worrying, it'll be okay. 
-  Okay...
I let him caressing my back while he is taking off my bra.
But at the worst time, I hear my sister's voice behind the door :
-  Josh told me she was with Erin, sooner. Where is he ?
She must be in the corridor, talking to Malcolm.
-   Check his room, he answers.
It is a complete MESS. Panic takes control of my brain, my acts. I immediately staple my bra, while Erin moves away to pick up my shirt. He gives it to me when someone knocks on the door.
-  Erin ? Malcolm calls. You naked, brother ?
-   Yeah, wait a minute, Erin answers with no shame.
I look at him with angry eyes. He's the only one in this room wearing clothes.
I just finished getting dressed when Kelly opens the door. Damn it ! Can't she wait a minute ?!
-  Is Jo here ?
When she finds me, her eyes rest on me, then fall on the bottle that is still on the desk.
-  Oh, she is. And she's busy, apparently, Kelly comments addressing to Malcolm.