Tears Of London

Chance

JO

- You look so sexy, Alex says sensually.
I'm still dancing, acting like I wasn't feeling weird. Like I didn't know Erin was looking at me.
I don't love Alex.
I never loved him.
He's my friend, what the fuck am I doing ?
- I want to go, I say after a while.
- Already ? That's the third song...
- I'm tired.
I have the car. I have the power of leaving whenever I want, but I don't want to be mean with him. Alex doesn't deserve this.
- Okay, he finally says.
We got out and ended up in the car. I was tense, it was clear.
- Um...do you want to go back to your place ?
I should not be tense. I should be happy a man like Alex loves me.
- Because...I was going to ask you if you want to visit my place. I live closer than you do.
I stay quiet.
But all I'm thinking of is the fact Erin doesn't.
That's not fair for him, for Alex. He is doing everything a perfect boyfriend can do, and I'm still comparing him with another.
No, I should erase Erin from my memory. Erin is past. Past is pain.
I should go to Alex's place, give him a chance. I should enjoy that love he's giving me and that I don't deserve.
- Yes, let's do this.

*

Alex lives in an apartment not far from the E1. The interior design is minimalist, simple but classy.
Alex closes the door behind me. We're in the living room, I'm observing the room, he's staring at me silently.
- Well...do you want to watch a film ? he says after a while.
I turn to him, look at his lips, then get closer.
I want to forget him.
I want to forget him.
We kissed for the first time. It was nice, sweet. I was glad that my lip gloss got away with my food, at the restaurant. Alex drove me to a bedroom where the lights were already on.
- Great, Alex, I say ironically. The planet thanks you.
He laughs then puts back his lips on mines.
We ended up in his bed, Alex half naked, with only a boxer on. I got my long white skirt off, then my top.
- You're beautiful, he whispers.
I try so hard to look at ease and relaxed, all I'm not.
But all I can do is a tiny smile.
I still feel like I'm in the wrong place. That feeling is so weird.
- Can we turn the light off ? I ask, on my knees, his legs stretched out between mines.
He has an instant of hesitation, then says :
- Sure.
When I turned the light off, I first felt better. But then, Alex tried to unhook my bra.
I take his hands in mine, so he'll stop.
- I'll keep it, I declare. I'm more comfortable with it.
I don't want him to see me completely naked. It keeps my peace of mind to realise that he won't know everything about my body, not already after the first time.
- Oh...you're sure ?
He looks disappointed, and...what is it ? Suspicion in his eyes ?
- Yes.
I slide my hand up the back of his neck to bring him closer to me.
I kiss him with will and determination. But I don't feel more than just a basic touch. 
With his right hand, he starts pulling my panties down my thigh. I stop him again, short of breath from kissing him.
- What ?
- I only want to please you tonight, I say.
- You don't want me to...do anything ?
I nod my head slowly.
I know I won't feel more than just raw touches. I know love is not in the air. And I also know I'm not fair with him, that I should end all of this, before he'll get hurt. That I'm just waisting his time.
Tonight, I'm going to make sure he'll have the best time of his life. As an apology.
That's why I gave him everything he asked for, everything but penetration. Everything but the things I could feel.
Until he told me he had the best time of his life.
- I love you, he whispers, before falling asleep.
Before he could hear I didn't answer back.