Tears Of London

How to punish yourself in three steps

JO

I'm in my car, driving in the dark. I'm not crying. I hold back my tears, I am not allowed to cry. That's me, the bad guy of the story. And bad guys are not allowed to cry for what they did.
Once I arrive, I park my Twingo on the pavement. Right in front of the front door. I get out and cross the road. Determined.
For once, there is no one outside of the house. No scream. Just loud music, as always.
I knock at the door. That's an unknown guy who opens the door, with silver earings, a dark skin and long dreadlocks.
- Hey, he says while letting me come in. You're a little late.
He is smiling. He has not a lot of teeth. He looks younger than most people I find here.
- Yes, I know. I'm looking for Erin.
- Yeah, follow me. I'm Josh, by the way, the guy says while bringing me into the living room.
- Oh. Nice to meet you.
- How much Erin pays you for that ? he suddenly asks.
I was going to ask in turn « for what ? », but I now understand what he meant.
- Erin doesn't pay me, I answer.
- So do you ?
This guy is seriously becoming annoying. I turn to him to look at him right in the eyes.
- I'm not a prostitute, okay ? Why are you even asking me that ?!
- Because you're looking for Erin.
His answer was quick, but relevant. Also interesting. So Erin has this reputation, here...alright.
- Oh. I see.
Erin is in the living room, sat in a couch surrounding a glass table. A girl is standing up on it, dancing like a horny animal. She stirs in the middle of the table, in front of a group of men, with all eyes on her. I will never be able to do the same. She dances so well. Her moves are smooth and confident. I am so jealous.
Fortunately, she is dressed. Half.
I don't see neither Malcolm or Kelly. They might be in his room, or maybe they're out.
After a while, Erin notices me. We share a long and intense gaze, until I decide to walk away to head to his room. I'm sure he understood what my eyes meant : « Follow me ».
I don't know what I'm doing. I just know that I want to argue, with anybody. And I thought Erin was the perfect target. I'm sure he will know how to break me, just as I deserve.
I deserve to be in pieces.