Tears Of London

Sex & loyalty

ERIN

I woke up in the middle of the night. I had not realised I fell asleep. All of a sudden, I remembered I was with Jo when I fell. I groped the sheets around me, looking for her. But she was not in the bed.
She must have left when I started sleeping.
I sat on the corner of my bed, rubbing my eyes with my hands, still sleepy.
My throat is so fucking dry. I need water.
I put my feet down, and when the second one had hit the floor, I heard movement in my room.
- OUCH! My hair - my hair - my hair...!
I immediately stepped back and looked down at the floor.
- Sorry, I didn't see you.
Jo started to stand on her knees while caressing her hair, frenetic.
- What are you doing on the floor ? I asked, half laughing, crouching down to her level.
- I'm sleeping, isn't it obvious ? she said, never letting go of her hair.
- There are beds for this, Josephine. Don't be afraid to sleep with me.
- I'm not afraid. I'm polite. It would have been weird if I'd sleep with you in your bed while you were sleeping. And without your permission.
She continued her explanation, as I was not reacting :
- I would hate that someone takes advantage of my sleep to sleep with me.
I grabbed the bottle of water on my desk and took it to my mouth. Drinking water never felt that good.
- I got it. But I don't mind. You can take advantage of my sleep to sleep with me, if you're feeling like it.
I made her laugh. I love the fact she's always smiling and laughing for anything.
- I can't. Jared doesn't deserve that.
- Jared is in the past.
- I consider I owe him a minimum of respect, because I ruined everything. The less I could do is refusing to sleep with you.
She's still faithful, even though she's saying the opposite. In her head, she's still his.
- I think you're the most loyal person I know, I admitted by sitting on my bed, above her. If I were you, I would have already fucked myself.
She laughed harder, naturally. A hoarse laugh, with no filter. I abruptly felt special. I was feeling like I was one of the few people who have heard her real laugh. That feeling was so pure. Enjoyable.
I joined her laughs. These sounds, when they were mixing together, sounded kind of sexy. Like a melody. A calm music.
- Erin ?
Damn it, she never stops talking.
-  I have a question, she says. But, before, promise me you won't judge me, okay ?
- Go ahead.
- Okay...
She took a minute to think about it, then turned to me :
- When did you have sex for the first time ?
I was surprised by her question. I didn't hide it. I tried to see what she meant exactly, but I didn't find it.
- No, forget what I just said, she then declared. It was stupid.
- I think I was 16. Maybe 17.
She looked at me surprisingly.
- Oh, really ? Only at 17 ?
- Why are you so surprised ?
-   You always sound so confident when it comes to sex. I thought your first time was a while ago, to be honest.
- Maybe I'm older than what you think and it has been a while.
- And how old are you ?
- Too personal.
She had a pretty smile. Showing all her teeth.
- Talking about your sexuality is not a problem, but when it comes to your age...
- I will tell you. But first, it's my turn to ask questions.
- Alright, what do you want to know ?
She was smiling before I declared :
-   I ask you the same question.
- What question ?
- The one you asked me.
She smiled shyly.
She is embarrassed. I see she is closing herself slowly. But I won't let that happen. I won't let her be ashamed of it.
- I'm 22.
- You know it was not my question.
- Tell me what you want me to say, exactly.
- Simply when you had sex for the first time.
She looked at me right in the eyes.
-   I never had sex. Not really.
I was staring at her confusely, and it made her laugh.
- Not really ? What ? You're not sure of it ?
- Yes I am ! I mean...it wasn't a whole sex moment. You get it ?
- No.
- I mean, there was just a part of it...not all the show. So, for my brain, I'm still a virgin.
- You mean you just had preliminaries?
- Basically, yes.
She took a deep breath before declaring :
- And...the worst is I don't understand the vibe around sex. And why people always act as if sex was a crazy thing. Sometimes, I feel like it is just not for me.
Her last words sounded strange to me.
- What do you mean ? You don't like sex ?
I could say by the face she was making that I was right.
She doesn't like sex. What the fuck is going on with this girl ?
She was looking at me carefully, but I didn't react. I was staying quiet so she could explain herself.
- And, I even think I am afraid of it. I am afraid of hearing about sex, talking about sex...everything when it comes to it. I think I'm mad.
- And what scares you in it ?
- I don't know.
I had just noticed how tightly she was holding her hands together. She is really stressed. This talking doesn't make her at ease.
- I wanted to reassure myself, that's why I asked you when it was, your first time. To see if I was the only one here to have no experience.
- So...did my answer reassured you ?
- A little bit. But not too much. I would have preferred learning that you were a virgin too.
Only a few centimeters are separating us. We're close. Closer than ever. But the minute her eyes had fallen on my lips, I decided to get out of the bed.
- So ? You say nothing ? she asked with an once of disappointment.
- Why would I say something ?
- Because you always find the solutions to my problems. So tell me, doctor. Why am I scared about sex ?
I leaned on my chair while staring at her with a smile. This girl is so annoying. In a cute way, fortunately.
- You think I'm crazy, right ? she asked looking at the bed edge.
- I think you think too much.
- It's true.
She stayed quiet. Then asked :
- How was it ?
- Hm ?
- The first time you had sex. How was it ?
- It was actually the worst experience of my life.
She suddenly had a piece of fun that got through her gaze.
- Really ?
- Yeah, I was awful. I lasted about...15 seconds. And I think she faked an orgasm, to end it quickly.
- Wow, okay. It really was that bad ?
I could see in her eyes that she was feeling better now, as she came at the bottom of the bed, closer to me.
- Losing your virginity to an older woman sounds good, but actually it was kinda like, 'Well, it's done now'.
- Oh, I see.
She smiled, probably reassured. She was now looking lower, at the bottom of my stomach.
She looks like she's staring at...my dick ?
Well, she's feeling better, apparently...
Just as I was about to point this out to her, she opened her mouth to say :
- You didn't tell me your age.
- Way older than you.
- Tell me !
-   Let's say I'm in my twenties.
- You won't tell me, don't you ?
- I won't.
- Why ?!
Her laugh was so pretty. Her smile too. I suddenly wondered if Colgate – her ex-boyfriend – was funny. If he was making her laugh. If he saw her teeth often. As much as I did. Probably not. I'm so funny.