I've been dating Lilith for what feels like ages but it's only been 6 months. I don't mean that in a bad way either, I swear. She just makes time not seem important. It moves incredibly slow or incredibly fast like it depends on her command. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if that was actually the case.
She has this way of being in control of everything around her. It makes things easy most times, as I do like to have a set schedule for myself. I mean leave it up to me and it's chaos. So having her to keep me on track is really nice. However, there are other times where it's not so fortunate.
She takes it so seriously that any deviation can set her off. Even if it's dinner not being done at a certain time. She's gotten better with it though and she does acknowledge every concern I bring to her. There's also the fact that she's a psychiatrist. At first I thought she was a therapist, that was a longgg conversation.
Anyways, it's just been a bit difficult to navigate our relationship. She brought me in to her already set plans and sort of molded them to fit us more. After she'd calibrated that she sort of just let it be. Her being a very logical person isn't a bad thing, it's just... hard.
I am logical, extremely so sometimes. Then other times I can be extremely emotional as well. I know it's tricky for her to balance because she's not one that really deals with emotions. You'd think, being a counselor and all, that she'd be in touch with her emotions. I'm not saying she's not, all I mean is that I expected more?
We've talked about why she is the way she is, and I gained a better understanding of her. All her life she's basically been gaslit and manipulated. Emotions are a foreign concept to her because she didn't have the privilege to express them. It seemed like a luxury for her to even smile.
I also know about her rocky connection with her mom. It's why she's so harsh on people now, because she promised herself not to be a doormat. So she chose the very opposite of that. Thinking if she was so mean and off-putting, people wouldn't even bother asking her things.
That is all fine and dandy, by that I mean I can handle it. I understand it. What I can't wrap my head around is all the anger she holds within her. Of course I get angry and I've had my fair share of explosions. Yet with her, it's different. I've never blown up at people I love, if I ever felt like I was going to I walked away or restrained myself.
She seems to just let herself lose it. She shows no emotions at all and then flies off the handle completely. Not caring about what she says, she yells. I once had to physically hold her back from beating the shit out of a guy at the gym. Simply because he was staring at me, which is cute but at the same time it wasn't that serious.
Lately her temper has been all over the place. I'm not sure what's going on, and every time I ask she just stares at me. Her gaze reading that she's mentally stabbing me over and over. So I drop it each time, not wanting her rage directed at me. But today? Today was the last straw.
I can't allow myself to be subjected to this any longer. I need to tell her how I feel and get it off my chest regardless. I knock on her office door and hear her release a heavy sigh before telling me I can enter. I open the door, closing it behind me. Taking a look around her office as I don't come here often.
I know she has a break between appointments today. About an hour before her next one so I popped in. I don't want to upset her at work but I'm honestly afraid to do it at home. I'm not saying I suspect she'd kill me, she'd never lay a hand on me. I know that for a fact. I just feel like she's more composed in public.
If we talk about it now and it doesn't go well, she'll still be calmer by the time she gets home. "Hey" I say softly, she just hums, not looking up from her laptop. "I need to talk to you. It's important" I tell her and she glances at me for a second. "Can't it wait until I get home?" She asks absently.
"No, Lilith" I say and she looks up slowly, with a scarily straight face. I never use her name unless it's really serious. She sets her laptop aside and walks over to the decorative little table nearby. Opening the decanter and pouring a decent serving of scotch into a crystal glass.
Taking a sip she closes her eyes, opening them shortly after and coming to lean on the front of the desk. "Well?" She asks in a deep tone, waving the glass lazily before setting it down. "I need to know why you treat me like this. Before you ask 'like what?' I'll explain" I say seeing she went to open her mouth and closes it quickly.
"The coldness... I don't get how you can be so heartless. I could handle it if it was just in public. I don't need pda... but even in the comfort of our home? I don't get what or who you're hiding from. I know you have a heart... I've seen it. What I need is for you to just be straightforward with me on whether you want this or not" I state.
She stares at me blankly, if she wasn't blinking periodically I'd think she was a statue. "Well?" I say, my foot starting to tap as my anxiety rises. "I do love you" she says softly, her voice breathy, almost hoarse. "You can't just say that, Lilith. Show me" I demand.
She steps towards me and takes me in her arms, holding me tighter than she ever has before. I return the embrace and rest my head on her chest. "Y/n... I love you more than life itself and I'm sorry I haven't done a better job at showing you that. You should never have to doubt how I feel about you" she says softly.
She pulls back but keeps her arms around my waist and I keep mine around her neck. "I've failed at... well, a lot. From now on I'll do a better job at telling you and showing you how much I care. Starting with... dinner?" She asks and I smile and nod. "We'll go to y/f/r and order anything you want and then we'll go home..." she trails her hands up towards my ribcage.
"And I'll continue to show you... just how much... I really love you" she whispers in my ear. "O-ok" I stutter, "just let me wrap this up and then we'll go" she says. I nod and wait for her to close up her things and the office. Telling her receptionist to cancel the rest of her appointments. We walk over hand in hand to my car, leaving hers for the time being, before we go home to get ready.
Gosh I love this woman more than I can explain.
