Are you okay?

Chapter 43

Evangeline

It was finally the best month of the year. December!

However I wasn't allowed to do fuck all when it came to decorating. Even Mila was allowed to help, but me? nope!

I was watching Toby, the baby. It had taken me a few weeks before I could even look at him, but this past week has been better. He's quite the little sweetheart and it's hard to be sad around him.
Mila doesn't know about anything, I didn't want to tell her, I didn't want to upset her.
The guys knew but they all agreed to keep it on the down low which I appreciated immensely.

I still miss what could have been, that's probably never going to go away but one thing is guaranteed- that baby is safe now, nothing can hurt it.
The only thing that really gives me peace of mind at the moment.

Nate seems to be coming back around as well. For a while he really wasn't himself. He was trying but it was clear he was struggling with everything.
He's been my rock though and i'm glad to see him doing a little better.

"the tree is not fucking centre" Jax pushed it back towards Greyson, who only pushed it back again.
This had been going on for the past 20 minutes.
One would move it and leave to do something else, then the other would move it back.
It was slowly becoming more confrontational as time went on.
Now they were straight up face to face and pushing it back and forth.

"does it really matter?" Xander sighed, clearly fed up with their antics

"yes" they both glared in unison

"alright" Xander threw his hands up in defence.

Mila and Chris where in the corner, tangled in lights. It was funny to see them bickering about which way to pull the cable.
One thing about putting up decorations was that it could never be done in a friendly way.
It always resulted in arguing, but I suppose that's what made it entertaining.

I hadn't seen Nathan in a couple minutes leading me to believe he'd left the room.
"i'll be back in a moment" I nod to Mila

"okay" she replies, sounding out of breath, "is he still asleep?" she tilts her head to the bassinet.

I peak in to see his little eyes looking at me, "no, he looks awake"

"oh, could you pass him over to me?"

I hadn't held this baby yet. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'd only just about managed to look at him with out wanting to break down.

"he looks quite comfy there Miles" I smiled and backed away a little.
Christian was already pulling the lights off himself trying to get up.

"he doesn't bite y'know?" Mila laughed, "you can hold him"

"it's alright Miles, I got him" Christian finally freed himself and stood up

"thank you" I mouthed to him,
he gave me a small smile as he lifted his son up.

In my defence, he did seem very comfy lying there.

Mila gave me a sour look, almost like she was offended. I get it though, i'd be offended too if my friend refused to hold my kid without a reason.

I'm just not ready or up for giving her one yet and that's okay.

I walk out of the room and head down the hallway where it was much quieter.
"Nate?"

"i'm in here" I could hear his voice from our bedroom.

I enter the room to see him standing there on his phone. I think sometimes he dazes off when he's on that thing. He can stand there for hours on it and not move an inch.
The room was dark, except for the dim glow outside produced.

"are you okay?" I walk over and wrap my arms around him.

"i'm fine, just needed a minute" he exhaled and put his phone in his pocket, "are you okay?"

"mhm" I hum, "just wanted to find you"

He brought us towards the bed, pulling me down as he sat at the edge.

"well you found me" he smiled

"that I did" I sigh, dropping my gaze to the ground

"baby what's wrong?" He lifted my chin up so I was looking at him. That same old look of concern lay in his expression.

"I think Mila's beginning to hate me" I laugh quietly, looking away from him, "she wanted me to pick Toby up, but I-I just..."

A flash of anger crossed his eyes. Him and Mila had been clashing a lot recently which never used to happen. It's not like they were ever close or anything but there was definitely a new found tension between them and it's safe to say we all felt it, especially me and Christian.

"I know" he traced his fingers over my cheek. He felt like the only person who understood.

"i'm running out of excuses" I mutter, "she seems more pissed off every time I say no"

"let her be," he shrugged, "you don't owe her anything alright? it's okay to take things at your own pace"

"yeah, it's just really fucking difficult" I could feel my eyes beginning to burn but I refused to cry anymore. I felt like it's all i've done recently and I was so tired of it.

"I know" he pulled me in for a hug,

We sat in silence for a moment. I was just enjoying his company and simply being near him. I felt like the past few days, with being as busy as they have been, i've not had a moment to just sit with him.

"oh my" I sat up, startling him a little.

"what?" he looked at me confused

"look" I stood up and basically ran to the window

"will you be careful?" Nate quickly stood up behind me

"it's finally snowing" I jump around a little.

"seriously be careful Ev" he laughed softly, holding my shoulders.

"c'mon then" I quickly pull on my shoes on.

"no, no, no you are in shorts right now" he tried pulling me back

"darling, i'm English, i'm built for cold weather" I tug him towards the door

"we have people over, we can't just leave" he pulls back again

"they basically live with us" I scoff, "they won't even notice we're gone"

I could tell by his face he was thinking it over
"please" I beg

"only for a couple minutes" he rolled his eyes, finally giving in.

I basically ran out of the apartment and down the stairs. There was no time to wait for the lift. It was fucking snowing.

I opened the door and walked outside. The air was cold but perfect.
It must've been snowing a while because there was already an inch or two on the ground.

I stood still, Nathan's hand still wrapped around mine as tight as I could keep it. The snow was falling down hard, you couldn't see very far in the distance. It was beautiful and so very quiet.

I couldn't hear the usual cars and people talking unnecessarily loud, all I could hear was our breathing.
I turned around to see Nathan, he was already looking at me with the biggest smile on his face.
His hair was already covered in snow flakes.

"and I didn't think it was possible to love you anymore than I already did" he gave me that look. That damn look that had me head over heals every time.

I don't think he actually realised what he did to me every time he looked at me like that, a part of me thought that made it even better.