je t'aimais, je t'aimes et je t'aimerai

I LOVE YOU - LECTURE

I LOVE YOU – LECTURE

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You're in the train back home. The last two days have been pretty exhausted. You remember how Georg split his drink by his nose because he was laughing too hard, how Bill insisted for a karaoke night and someone from another room complained about the noise, how you'll never know the end of Scooby-Doo, how being in the front row of the coasters makes you feel so tiny nothing really matters, how Tom doesn't sit next to Anna right now because he pretended he wanted to be next to his brother. All of these moments make you happy. You're glad you came here; it gave you memories to cherish.

Your eyes lay on Anna, she is watching you too. You address her an awkward smile but she keeps her RBF. Nice. Is she mad at you? What for? You all had a great time, right?

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- It was really funny! I swear you should have seen the way Gustav reacted when his food fell on the floor! You tell your little adventures to Astrid.

- I'm so jealous! I was stuck at the coffee place all week-end because of a flood. She rolls her eyes.

- Well, everything was not that perfect you know. I feel like Anna was mad at him, but I don't get why.

- Y/N, are you stupid or stupid?

- What?

- This is so obvious! You're so taking her man away from her!

- Oh no! Not you too! Tom and I agreed we are best friends! We just have a really special bond. Okay we are a lot closer now, kisses bring people together but –

She doesn't even let you finish your sentence.

- I'm sorry, what? Kisses? When?

- New Year's Eve. But that's not the point.

- Yes, it's exactly the point Y/N! Open your eyes! Friends don't kiss each other; friends don't want to kiss each other. If he is really your best friend, it would be like kissing your brother!

- It's not like I want to kiss him on an hour basis. Just when some things happen. You try to defend yourself.

- No. Listen to me. Things should not happen; it shouldn't give you the envy to kiss him. This is called attraction honey. Friends don't feel attracted to each other. What else should I know?

- We kind of cuddled. In France. And also, at the park.

- In the park? With his girlfriend next to you?

- No, he came to my room. None of us could sleep. But no kisses!

She rolls her eyes so far you were afraid they would be stuck forever.

- Y/N, just think a bit. You tell me you don't understand why Anna is mad at you. But you literally kissed her boyfriend once.

- A bit more than once, you interrupt her.

- Even worse. He cleans your mouth in front of her, he sneaks away at night to join you, he runs away from the group with you, you touch each other all the time. I've only met your friends once but it was so obvious! And you're obviously jealous of Anna! You always talk about what she and Tom did with such a disgusted face. You told me people are betting on your relationship! Y/N, this is a huge flag. He is so into you.

- No. He has a girlfriend. Stop making me hope. You sigh.

- Hope?! So you're expecting something from him?

- No, I don't! It's just a way to talk.

She raises her eyebrow.

- Y/N, I'm so sorry for you. I hope you will open your eyes soon. The three of you deserve it. Anna deserves to know if her relationship is stable.

You sigh. You don't reply anything to her and focus on the lecture.

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You decided to skip your usual meeting at the café. You felt very weird. Your talk with Astrid made you feel terrible.

Why can't people get you are just friends? Attraction, this is all crap. Tom just has a very handsome face, that's it. Anybody with eyes would agree with it. Then you realize you should think the same about Bill. They are identical twins. You freeze on your bed. Why don't you feel the same way about Bill? Bill doesn't have this sparkle in his eyes, you think. He doesn't have this weird talent to piss you off. He doesn't have this special look in his eyes. He doesn't make you feel like a kid. He doesn't remind you of how love felt like. Bill is not Tom. Nobody compares to Tom.

You start to think about all those daydreams you had about him. About how good it feels to sleep next to him. How right his kisses feel on your lips. How you would rather Tom to touch you than Anna in the street. How complete you feel with his arms around you, how exciting it is to feel his fingers touch you. And you realize you lost the bet. How could you have missed it? You want him.

You're not sure if it's love. Aren't people supposed to fall in love once they are dating? It doesn't feel like love. You just want him to be by your side day and night, never ever leaving you again.

You sigh so hard you felt your lungs completely full of air. You wished you never realized you have a crush on him. You can't do this to Anna, out of respect. But how are you supposed to see Tom everyday and pretend nothing is going on for you? How are you supposed to pretend you are happy for them when you wished it was you? How are you supposed to deal with all of this?

You hear the front door open and you go downstair, to see the boys.

- What is wrong? Y/N, you're crying. Georg worries, wiping away a tear you didn't feel dropping.

- Tom. You whisper.

You don't need to say more. You just know they understood. They give you a group hug. You hold on to this hug, as if it was the strength you will need in the future.

From now on, nothing is going to be easy.