je t'aimais, je t'aimes et je t'aimerai

I LOVE YOU - RESULTS PART 2

I LOVE YOU – RESULTS PART 2

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.(this chapter is meant to be read very slowly. Sentence by sentence, with a break between each)

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[ He looks at the pregnancy test intensely. You can't tell if it is positive or negative. He hides his emotions. It's terrible. You don't need that right now.

- So? You're waiting for the results. ]

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He doesn't speak. This silence is agonizing. His face is emotionless. Does it mean he is digesting the news he has to be a father? Is it too late for abortion?

- Tom, please tell me, your voice is weird.

He doesn't say anything. He just hands you the test. This time, you're not afraid. You have to know how many weeks you're at. And by his reaction, you're pretty sure it's a big deal.

You take a look at the strip. One bar. Only one bar.

The world suddenly seems dead around you, terribly silent. You swallow your saliva hardly. There is just one bar. You're not pregnant.

You open your mouth to say something, you're extremely confused. All those feelings are mixed inside of you. You don't even know what you're feeling exactly.

You're feeling terribly relieved. The deadline hovering above your head does not exist anymore. But it's not the only thing that doesn't exist anymore. It's also the life Tom described, the baby you've somehow loved.

You don't have to think about giving up your baby anymore, it was simply a dream, an illusion. You put your hands on your belly. Your empty belly. You don't want a child, you're far from ready to be a mom, and you still want to enjoy your youth. Yet, your heart is ripping apart. You selfishly wish you had the choice...

You lay your back on the wall. Your breath is loud. Your vision is blurry. You don't know what world you're living in right now. Your mouth is pretending to be a fish, opening and closing without any sound.

You finally look at Tom again. He is looking at you too. You're still not able to tell how he feels.

You raise an eyebrow; you don't think you're able to talk right now. You hope it will be enough for him to understand you're questioning him.

He gets up from the bathroom floor and is by your side within a second. He starts by taking your hand, as gently as if you were made of porcelain and kisses your forehead. He stays like this for a while, the only sound being his repeated kisses on your skin.

You're still processing the news. You almost don't feel his kisses. Your mind is out of your body. Who would have known something you did not want would destroy you like this? You feel destroyed, like a battlefield. You're mind actually was a battlefield. It was ripped apart between reasonability and love.

You always thought that if you happened to be accidentally pregnant, you'd not even think about it and go straight to a doctor's appointment. But life is a bitch. When it actually happens, when the baby is inside of you, it changes everything. Especially if baby was created with someone you love.

You always thought it would be an easy decision. The truth is, you have to think about it. About being pregnant. Protecting your baby even if you don't want to keep it, avoiding alcohol and things like that... It means you're acknowledging their presence. And it changes everything. Knowing about them being there, all safe in the warmth of your belly, you being their only protection, it makes it real. It's somehow a special kind of bonding. The seed of love.