My IRL Journal/Diary

Entry 11: July 6th

Geez all that stuff with P was back in December? Things sure have gone by quick. I have a new crush now on some dude from the UK. Ok maybe not a crush yet but once I find out if he's straight and single then it'll be over. I've been also trying to find out info on Duncan but it's a near impossible task. It's very wrong but I gotta know if he's alive. But if the new guy finds out he prob won't talk to me anymore. Why do I always gotta sabotage myself? It's frustrating. I miss Duncan and I wish I knew more about the other dude.

Tomorrow morning I'm gonna have to drive to my university with my dad to memorize the route but I absolutely hate driving. It makes me wanna cry. I don't want to drive. I only got my license so I WOULDN'T have to drive anymore. So much for that. Anyways back to my crushes. I really like the new dudes personality, he's not like the other guys, so it's a new fresh experience.

Update: just reread my other entries. I've decided to post these on Wattpad and see if anyone reads. Gonna have to change the names for privacy reasons but yea. Also gonna have to take out some personal stuff but I think a diary like story will be entertaining for those that wanna read about someone's life in a short concise way. Perhaps I'll ask people I know what they think about my idea. Gotta stay up til 6am though to get wifi and it's only 3:21am. And as mentioned before I have to get up early for driving practice but I can manage. I can handle any sleep schedule really. Ughhhh driving is gonna be rough though. I really wanna talk to some new peeps I've been bonding with. I wonder why my friend, A doesn't like new people joining discord servers. I mean she told me why but I wish I could understand her pov more.

Oh yea these are supposed to be about my day. Well, yesterday, a dude I knew left a discord server and I was shocked horrified, and saddened. I knew immediately I had to send a message thanking him for everything. He was such a valued member in the server. Unfortunately discord had that "no messages unless friends" setting so I had to wait to be friends. As soon as I woke up, I sent the message I had previously wanted to send and it went well and we chatted about the game. It was honestly really nice just talking about something I'm passionate about with someone that has even more passion about the game. I was worried he'd decline my friend request because we don't know each other that well but he's been really kind. And this is gonna sound bad but he's probably the kindest dude I've talked to in awhile in dms. And he said he's willing to help with game related stuff or maybe irl stuff? Don't wanna put all my baggage on him yet though XD. I really appreciate him tbh. Back when I first met him he critiqued my Esper builds and I thought he was kinda rude and way too sassy for my taste. However, the more I talked in the server and lurked and watched his interactions with others, I very clearly misjudged him. I feel sorta bad but it is what it is.

Otherwise my day was normal but tbh rn I'm feeling sort of down. Hence why I'm writing here to begin with. It's sort of helped. Now instead of feeling sorta sad I feel impatient as 6am can't come soon enough. Maybe I should just sleep but it takes me so long to sleep I might as well stay up. It is summer time after all and I only have so long before I have to get up at 6am just to head to class...sigh. Sometimes....sometimes life doesn't feel worth living. Sometimes I think that I should just end it all before I suffer in adulthood. But other times, I remind myself of all the amazing people I know and how my cats would feel, and I force myself to keep going. I'm doing it for them, so I could see their reactions to things I say, so I could help them out when need be. What sort of friend would I be if I died? A bad one. And besides, I gotta at least talk to Duncan again and tell him I'm sorry for being too flirty. He doesn't care but I still think he'd appreciate it.