My IRL Journal/Diary

Entry 32: July 27th

I think S doesn't care about me. I think he is a good person but just not interested in what I have to say. Perhaps he thinks of me as lesser than him because of our age gap. Or maybe I'm just boring. He just gives short answers like every other dude that ends up blocking me shortly after that starts. I worry he will do the same. At least I got a headpat out of it. Maybe I'll skip the 6am rant today or maybe I'll be like "Do you think I'm a fool? I know what short answers mean!" But I also don't want to guilt him into longer responses. I also am going to wait for him to respond back about my original entries and ask for advice on SD. But it sort of hurts. I know he said he's bad at socializing, just like Kendall, but still. Maybe I should just ghost him. No no, that would be rude. And as I literally just said I need to hear his advice to make a decision. He's older and wiser and claims to know how "mature" relationships are so surely he will know what to do.

My day was filled with nothing. Nothing happened.

Oh I also brought up tarot cards in my 6am rant and he seems to be pretty unsure about that idea in general. I literally went on a rant about other things too and he only gave one word answers. Oof. I try to bring up interesting topics but I guess he doesn't wanna try. I don't have a crush on him or anything, but it would still be nice to have some form of conversation instead of me just talking to a wall. I know he's busy but it still hurts. I'm prob gonna start looking for another dude to crush on or something. Someone else to bide my time.

Oh I know what I'll rant about! I'll talk about how much I hate how I'm so selfish when it comes with talking to people. How I feel like I'll never be able to have a boyfriend. Perhaps I'll ask if he hates me or he hates what I say and stuff. It'll come off as insecure but I don't see him that way/as a crush so I don't have to worry about self sabotage. Sigh. I think I'm doomed to be single. I just want someone to talk to about my woes. I want someone to give more than a few words or short sentences to my stories. Or at least someone like Duncan who was able to tease me about it while also giving a slight tinge of advice. Right now, it feels like it's me against the world. I'm writing these entries unable to send them while S is around. I'd die if he saw these. I'd never speak to him again out of sheer embarrassment.

5:20am: So I noticed that S messaged me at around 3am or so. I had my data on trying to shorten my long message. Part of me feels really happy since he normally doesn't do that but then my stomach hurts in pain because I know it is probably going to be a one word or one sentence response. I also had a plan to send him that long message but if he didn't send a long message then I might have to postpone it. Whenever I think of short messages I hurt. I really want him to send more than that but I don't want to pressure him. I will send him that long messsge one day but perhaps not tonight? We will see. I really hope it's a long message. I prayyyy it is. It would make my night!

6am update: it was one word "yes"..................... ok...........what do I even say? Maybe he doesn't want me to speak with him anymore....... I don't want to be dramatic bc I know my period is coming up, but it still really hurts. I guess I won't respond to him...... this hurts so much. I thought he was better but he's not. He doesn't care. At all. Asshole. Jerk. Screw him. I'm crying rn.

10 mins later: I calmed down and stopped crying. Took a deep breath and asked if something was wrong. I don't wanna blow things out of proportion, I just need to make sure that everything is cool. He's mature, I'm practically mature, I can do this. I don't want to give him *another* reason to leave. I'll wait and see what he has to say. *deep breaths*. For him, I will treat every situation calmly.