My IRL Journal/Diary

Entry 66: July 1st, 2024

Turns out that was a false alarm, me and him are together again. But on the other hand, I found out my uncle died today while I was grabbing a snack. My grandma probably isn't long for this earth either. Todays the day I truly discovered the fragility of life. And I can't help but wonder. Who's next? My dad????? He's next in the family.

I want to know more details about my uncles death. He was found dead in his apartment after a welfare check by his fellow policemen. But from what? Is it genetic? Murder??? Ok probably not murder but can you imagine? I'm scared. I shouldn't be, from what I've heard. But it was so random. Something about it truly disturbs me.

Tomorrow was supposed to be my first day alone in years. But it got ruined. Every time something good is about to happen to me, it gets ruined by something terrible. I'll never get an opportunity to be alone in the house until I move out. This was my ONE chance. I know it sounds like I'm most upset about that and I feel guilty for feeling that way but I looked forward to this moment for years.

I wish I didn't have main character syndrome. I wish I could just feel emotions normally but I can't. I just can't do it. I can't think normally, can't feel normally, can't even act normally. And the people that would understand will never understand. We all have different experiences and my narcissistic symptoms are worse than the rest I think. I repress them for the sake of my friends but then sometimes it feels like it's not truly friendship since they only see the projected image of me and not the genuine one.

And it's because of this that I think that the universe is punishing me. Which led to my main character syndrome diagnosis. What do I have to do to make things right? Or at least, what do I have to do to stop internally putting myself at the center?