Back To December || Aaron Hotchner

Chapter 5 - Taylor

"I got embarrassed. But Hotch asked me out. He asked me out! Did you tell him?" I ask JJ on the phone

"Tay, I hardly have time and energy to go to the bathroom. I'm sorry I didn't think about your love life yet" she answers

"Well, that's a first. Anyway, when we landed, everyone returned to the bureau for a bit, now they left, and he is waiting for me in the bar across the street. God... I am so starved for touch and affection I'll probably get off by anyone who looked at me--"

"Did you change clothes?"

"No, because we are going for a drink right after work, it would be weird"

"Did you go to the bathroom?"

"Yes"

"Did you refresh your make up?"

"Yes"

"Did you brush your teeth?"

"Yes"

"Then why are you still talking to me? Go in!"

"Ok, I'm going. I would call you after, but I don't want to wake you in case it's nap time so call me for the update whenever you can. Thanks. Bye" I hung up and I finally cross the door.

I spot Hotch quickly at the bar and I join him. "Hello, again"

"Hi" he smiles. "What are you drinking?" he asks

"Just an iced tea" I answer.

He orders me the drink without asking why I don't want alcohol which is a great start.

"Like I said earlier, you have been doing a great job for the last month. Not only the liaison part but also the profiling" he starts the conversation

"Thank you. The liaison part requires some profiling on its own, actually. For example, when I go home tonight I will have to go through the new case files, narrow it down to around 4 or 5 more serious ones, and leave them on your desk tomorrow morning so you can choose which one the team will work on" I explain

"You are already thinking about what you are going to do when you get home?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean... I am just stressing about what I have to do later. That's why I don't go out much. But I want to be here now" I reassure him

"That is very good to hear".

The bartender sets my drink in front of me and I thank him. I take a sip and I turn at Hotch again. I think it's time to go into some more personal questions.

"How long have you been in the FBI?" I wonder

"I believe 15 years"

"Wow. And you've always been in the BAU?"

"I worked for a year in the Seattle field office, and then transfered to the BAU once there was an opening"

"Stable guy"

"Definitely" he admits

"I am really not that stable. I mean you have probably seen my resume"

"I have. At first I wasn't sure if JJ had accidentally given me hers because until 10 years ago, your resumes are identical"

"Yeah... We have spend our entire adulthood together. The Master's was her idea, but the Academy was my idea. One of my uncles was in the bureau and I was trying to find a way to get in too since I was young. Maybe too young... But I got in, and he is proud. Retired, but proud".

"Having a role model is always good for a person. I was looking up at Gideon when I first got in the BAU"

"I heard that he was a pain in ass..."

"Some times" he chuckles.

We both take a sip of our drinks this time. I set the glass down and I turn my body towards his.

"So, you met JJ at Pittsburgh University. Where you before that?" he asks

"I was born and raised in Chicago. Well, mostly. Me and my siblings moved in another state for a few months with my dad when my parents were divorcing because of custody issues but eventually got back to Chicago to finish school. I'm sorry, am I talking too much again?" suddenly, I get insecure about sharing too much. I always do that!

"No, it's ok. You have siblings...?" he encourages me to continue

"Yes, an older brother and a younger sister. How about you?" I relax a bit more and I rest my head on my hand

"I grew up here in Virginia, Staunton to be exact. And I have a younger brother, Sean".

Oh no. Oh crap. FUCK.
How did I not put this together earlier?

"Sean..." he repeats, like he figured out something. "You used to be with Sean when he was in high school. That's where I remember you from"

"No, we-- Sean and I weren't ever together, he can tell you that as well. Like I said earlier, I had to move for a few months with my dad due to custody disagreements. He was in Virginia, so he enrolled us in the closet school that had available places and it happened to be the same as Sean's. I didn't know anyone and my then boyfriend happened to be in your brother's circle. I only saw him once or twice maybe--" I try to explain, almost panicking.

"But you were getting drunk and high as a circle" he says sharply.

"You are a drunk and a junkie that will never do anything in life. You will never undo that and people will always call you a junkie. You are just going to be a burden to everyone near you. They will pity you but they will never stick around because you are a mess. What sane person could ever stay in your life willingly? You are so difficult and stubborn. You can't even take of yourself, let alone keep someone else around".

It has been 20 years but my brother's words still cut through like a knife. I remember every single word and every single emotion of that day. Yet, I still went out and got high after that conversation.

Now, the man that is sitting next to me might have had a similar conversation with his own brother. Sean wouldn't have deserved that.

I feel the tears form in my eyes and my chest aches. I shut my mouth and I turn away from him. I reach into my purse, I grab a few bills and I leave them next to my drink.

"Goodnight" I whisper and leave without looking at him.

Despite the mental breakdown that I feel coming, I find the courage to return to the bureau and grab the files from my desk. I race home, I turn my phone off and I bury myself in case files, because looking at pictures of dead bodies is somehow more comforting than facing my past.