Back To December || Aaron Hotchner

Chapter 42 - Taylor

In less than an hour after being informed of my mother's passing, I went through denial, anger, and bargaining. But for the last three days I've been stuck on stage four; depression.

"When is acceptance going to kick in?" I wonder as I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling

"It will come in slowly, and it is going to take some time" Aaron replies as he strokes my hair

"I hate it"

"I know".

I haven't been back home since the first day we came. My brother is texting me every day telling me how selfish I am for that but that is rich coming from him. Instead, I have been staying in the hotel all day. Aaron has been trying to get me out, cheer me up a little with my favorite snacks, but I have no appetite or energy. I also can't sleep even though I feel exhausted.

Today is the funeral. Mom had already made all the arrangements beforehand and we didn't have to do almost anything. I didn't do anything actually, because I can't stand being there. I am still considering not going to the funeral and catching the first flight back to Virginia.

"Can I skip to that stage?" I sigh

"Unfortunately, no"

"Can I have a drink to relax and maybe fall asleep?" I joke

"Hey..." Aaron replies immediately

"I'm kidding. I don't want to drink, but I really need a drink. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yeah" he sighs. "Did your brother message you again?" he wonders

"I don't know, I don't care. I've put him on mute"

"Can I check?" he asks

"Suit yourself".

He gets out of bed and walks all the way to my side. He grabs my phone from the nightstand and sits besides me. "I dare that coward to say any of that in front of me" he says as he reads through them, and probably deletes them.

I chuckle and I sit up. I take the phone out of his hand and I wrap his arms around me. I rest my head on his chest and he rubs my back.

"Trust me, you will regret it if you don't go today" he says

"I figured... Don't you have something better to do? Cases to work on?"

"I have many other places to be and things to do. I choose to be here. So, stop changing the subject, and we will go whenever you are ready..."

"I'll never be ready for this. But let's just get it over with"

He pulls away and holds my face. "I will be by your side all the time. If it gets too much, you just say the word and I'll take you out of there".

"I love you, thank you for being here" I hug him again

"I love you too" he kisses my head and proceeds to hold me until I initiate the parting.

Taking a shower felt like a challenge. Walking out the bathroom in my towel and wet hair, made me tear up again because I wanted my mom to brush my hair out, just like she used to do when I was little. I can't even remember the last time she did that.

Aaron helped me get dressed and ready in general. During the service and the burial I never let go of his hand and made my best to keep myself together. I watched as they laid the casket down in front of the stone with my mom's name on. There were tears that escaped my eyes and made their way down my cheeks, but I didn't let any sobs be heard. These moments I felt Aaron's hand squeeze mine a little harder. I could barely stand on my feet.

The reception was held back at the house. I just sat down on the couch, with my head on Aaron's shoulder and our hands still connected. I didn't move or talk to anyone. I stared at the wall. I was there physically, but mentally I was checked out. Austin didn't dare to come close, let alone talk to me. Ruth is probably the strongest in here -she is running everything here while grieving too.

"Taylor...". JJ?

I move for the first time in hours. She sits besides me and hugs me. "I am so sorry, I came as soon as I heard" she says

"That was my fault" Aaron confesses

"It's fine. You were more helpful in the case than you would be here" I say

"How are you?"

"Horrible" I admit.

My uncle Philip walks up to us. "Taylor, can I have a moment with you?" he asks

"I really don't want to--"

"It's important" he insists.

"I'll be right here" Aaron reassures me as he squeezes my hand a couple more times

"Me too" JJ rubs my arm.

I get up and follow my uncle upstairs. He goes into mom's room but I stand by the door. I watch him pull something out of her nightstand and come back to give it to me. It's a USB with my name on.

"She left one for each of you, and told me to make sure you got them" he says

"You knew?" I ask

"I only found out a couple of weeks ago because she was deteriorating and needed assistant. I'm sorry, but if I told anyone she would shut me out too" he answers

And I was wondering where I got the self- isolation trait from...

"Thank you" I say. He nods and walks away.

I walk in my mom's room slowly and I sit on her bed. I touch her pillow and I rub it softly. More tears come to my eyes but I wipe them off quickly. I grab my phone and text Aaron to come upstairs. He and JJ get here in seconds. I ask Aaron to bring me his laptop from the car, he runs and returns in less than a minute as I stay with JJ.

As much as I appreciate them, I ask them to leave me alone for this. They don't argue and step outside. I plug the USB in and I see a single video in it. My hands as shaking as I drive the arrow on it and select it.

My mom's face pops up and I start crying again.

"Hi, Taylor" she smiles.

She is sitting at the kitchen table, with the laptop probably in front of her.

"Whatever happens, I love you. Remember that you are always loved, sweetheart, from me and other people around you. You are doing the best you can and that is enough for us. Just keep moving forward and be sure that you are going to crash all the bumps that dare to come on your road, like you always do. You are extraordinary, Taylor. My brave girl... Make decisions that you know are right and don't let anyone question you. Other decisions might turn out good, others might turn out bad, but you'll never know if you don't try. Don't forget that sometimes you have to jump and pray it is not a cliff. This is your life, make it worth it. I love you, baby".